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Why iPhone People Suck Apr 02

Dog shitting on AppleI wrote a post in this vein for another site that I write for Cyber-M. That post also had this title, but when published they had amended it to “What’s Wrong with IPhone Customers?” While I understand where they are coming from in not wanting to alienating a large portion of their audience, it’s a site optimized for phones, I could also argue that the people who hate you are more loyal readers than the people who love you. It is also worth noting that I had already toned the nature of the article down a whole lot for optimization for their target audience. On this blog there are no such restrictions, guidelines or punches that need to be held back. So here I give to you my original vision. Enjoy.

At some point in time a line was drawn in the sand and people were forced to decide whether they were Apple people or Android people. There was no singular event that this can be traced back to, but the line is certainly there and it is certainly real. You were either with us or you were against us, and if you were against us you could go get fucked.

Urban MeyerChanging teams is certainly an option that is available and either side will welcome converts with open arms. However, once you have decided to leave one side, you will never be welcomed back. They will let you back of course, because it’s all about money in the long run, but you will never be regarded as a full-fledged member and supporter. In a perfect world everyone could get along regardless of choice of technology, but fantasy land is about a 4 hour drive up the road from here.

I feel that I can often tell if somebody is an Apple or Android person before they even take their phone out of their pocket, and if I can’t it means they are one of the wishy-washy crew who could jump ship at any time. It’s almost as if a person’s entire character and personality can be summed up by their choice of a smartphone. Of course Android is the appropriate and better side to be on, and let me tell you why iPhone people suck.

The #1 reason is their constant pretentious use of the brand name. This is certainly the most annoying characteristic of an Apple user, and it’s 100% universal across the board with them. An Apple person would never say “sorry, I left my phone in the house,” an Apple person always says “sorry, I left my iPhone in the house.” This is super annoying and why does the brand name have to be mentioned in this manner. For a comparison of pretentious level compare “I need to go get my car washed,” with “I need to get my Mercedes washed.” That should make it obvious to anyone.

Maybach WhiteI could understand maybe if you had a Maybach or something, but it’s not like this is some elite level phone we are talking about here. It’s a fact that basically all top-level smartphones are priced pretty much the exact same across the board, where we get in differences is in the lower level phones. There are times when the iPhone could arguably be the best phone on the market, but that is short-lived if ever. The sad rule of thumb in the smartphone world is that whatever the latest phone to come out is usually the best one. All you have to do is look at PhoneDog’s expert rankings and this is obvious, the rankings are like a list of release dates pretty much. The iPhone has never been Maybach level elite, and that’s what it would take to make this brand name use acceptable.

Another rung on the annoyance factor is the ridiculous comparisons that iPhone people make when comparing their phone to another phone. Apple makes one phone with a new version coming out pretty much every year, that’s the only phone that utilizes that operating system. Android on the other hand is on tons of phones from tons of different companies. The range of Android devices range from complete and utter crap for poor people, to top-level best phone in the world material. By doing this Android offers a wide range of options to fit every segment of the market, and this is the reason they have the majority of the market. Yet when an Apple person compares their iPhone to an Android they never do it against a top of the line one. An Apple person will tell you “I tried the Droid one time, and it was terrible.” What these idiots leave out is that the phone they are calling “the Droid”, was a ZTE phone from MetroPCS.

Hello I am an ExpertAn iPhone person is also complete ignorant of any of the indisputable facts about the smartphone industry. “Facts?”, an iPhone person asks, “ain’t got time for that.”

Facts are certainly something that an Apple person has no use for. They live in their own little world and are oblivious to anything else that is going on. In 2013, Android accounted for 79% of the global smartphone market. That means that out of 990 million smartphones shipped globally, Android was the operating system on 781 million of them. Apple’s IOS on the other hand was on 153 million devices, good for a 16% market share. Yet when shown these statistics there is not a single Apple person that believes them. They insist that everyone they know has an iPhone. I chalk this up to the self-centered nature of iPhone people, being so focused on yourself it’s impossible to notice what other people are using. Yet the fact that idiots tend to take comfort with other idiots and the fact that non free thinkers of course want to be with more of their sheep to follow, could also play big roles in this.

Alaburu Maiga,Now I will say that a lot of Android’s market share is in the less affluent parts of the world and country due to their vast array of options available on the cheaper side of things. Apple in fact recognizes that as this past year they put out a two different models. The iPhone 5c is their attempt to break into the lower tier smartphone market, and I think that’s a good business move on their part as there is a lot of money to be made there. Also notice that they put out the iPhone 5c in a wide variety of bright colors. I can imagine them sitting around the board table in Cupertino with some old guy sparking the great idea that poorer people tend to like brightly colored things.

I would say that in my personal circle, it is not 79% to 16% gap in Android vs iPhone, it’s probably very much a 50-50 split. This is probably do to the fact that I live in South Florida, which I love but is not exactly known as the most free thinking area of the country. People around here skew much more to the sheep side of things in everything. In my family in fact the majority of people who have smartphones do have Apples. While I love them with all my heart though and know they would always be there for me, I would not classify my family as especially tech savvy people though. In fact, the most tech savvy person in it, besides myself of course, is the one that does not have an iPhone.

Apple people are also under the disbelief that all sorts of things are iPhone exclusive features. This one is also up there in the annoyance scale, and also indicative of the disassociation with the world of reality. I’ve been told that iPhones are the only phones that can do group messaging, blatantly untrue. Apple people are under the belief that the iPhone 5S of this past year invented the fingerprint sensor, yet the Motorola Atrix had one back in March of 2011. There are countless applications too that iPhone people are shocked that Android has the same one. I’ve even been accused of hacking an Apple application by simply downloading it from the Google Play Store.

android-vs-iphoneWhile there are certainly apps that appear first on iPhone before making their way over to Android, this is simply due to how much easier it is to write an app for Apple. Any app developer will agree that this is the case. The reason is because when you develop an Apple app you only have to make it work on one single model of phone. An Android app though has to function and display properly over 100s of models of phones that have plenty of differences. If your Android app doesn’t cross across all those seamlessly without kinks, you will of course be murdered in the comment section of the Play Store. For those reasons it is cheaper and easier for a developer to roll out an app to the Apple, wait and see if it’s a success before trying to modify it to fit all those different Android phones.

Apple fan in line signThis last reason is perhaps the most visible and moronic display of the Apple folks, the standing in line on launch day. This is an insane ridiculous practice that has become totally associated with iPhone users. Whenever the launch day comes for the next version of the iPhone the people start showing up to stand in line waiting. This never happens with Android because people have more important things to do than standing in line for hours. Android users have things like jobs, commitments, and family that tend to get in the way. What does this standing in line actually get the iPhone user anyway? A phone that is pretty much exactly the same as the one that your holding in your hand already, and a day or two before you could just walk in and be out with one in 5 minutes. Samsung of course has mocked this idiocy in some memorable ads, but the people still do it even when it’s not necessary. I know less moronic Apple people who walked into a store the afternoon of launch day and walked out with a phone perfectly fine without camping out at the store. Get a life people!

I will end by saying that I do not hate Apple people, in fact a lot of my best friends and previously mentioned family are on iPhones. I might chastise you and bust your balls over your choice of phone, but in the end it’s certainly not the most important factor. There are a whole lot of other ways you can let your awesome personality outshine your deficiencies when it comes to operating system choice. If you are an attractive girl then it in fact trumps this right from the get go. In fact one of my favorite girls not only has an iPhone, but also vapes which I find equally insufferable. Yet, she is so awesome in all other facets that it makes these things seem like minor annoyances. So if you happen to have an iPhone sitting in your pocket right now and are still madly in love with me, don’t feel the need to end it now, there is still hope.

T-Mobile’s Customer Service is Useless Nov 04

T-Mobile SupportFirst off let me start off by saying I should have known better. Having dealt with them before in trying to assist customer’s I should have known that it would be a colossal waste of time. Yet when you have no other choice what are you going to do? I was dogged by a problem for the last few weeks and after wasting endless upon endless hours trying to wade through the ridiculously useless customer service of T-Mobile, I was finally able to do some deep deep digging and solve it myself.

Let me tell you first off that I know T-Mobile’s service isn’t very good. I also know that their customer service is terrible. I know these things by the fact that I used to sell T-Mobile and have dealt with constant problems as the middle man between customer and network. There were always only 2 possible outcomes. Either I was able to solve the problem for the customer, or they would get angry and upset with T-Mobile directly and leave the store in a huff. In my 2 years working at Costco, I can not ever recall a point of time when T-Mobile customer service was actually able to solve a problem above and beyond maybe porting a number over or some simple task that I needed them for. Now we also sold Verizon and AT&T, and while not fantastic in that department either I do think I can recall occasional events where they were able to get something done. I do have some funny stories from T-Mobile customer interactions of course such as the time the older gentleman was standing at my counter yelling at “Jim” to “just tell me where you are!!!!”, Jim’s reply in his great Hindu accent….. “I’m sorry sir, we are not permitted to disclose that particular information.”

TMO like me betterSo you might be asking yourself, than what the hell are you doing on T-Mobile? Which is a perfectly valid question. The whole time I worked there I had a sweet ass Verizon concession’s account where I got everything including the not offered unlimited data AND unlimited hotspot for $45 a month. That alone was almost worth working there. I don’t care if you pay me, just let me have that concessions account, lol. Yet when I got fired for the infamous Twittergate incident. That beautiful perfect Verizon concessions account went up in smoke. Since I used a ton of data, my choices were basically T-Mobile or Sprint for having unlimited data. My Verizon account also included unlimited hotspot which was friggin amazing and there is no one on the world that would ever give that to me again. Since  T-Mobile was much farther along in the LTE game at that point so I went w T-Mobile.

This all occurred this past April and let me tell you that up until about a month ago my experience with T-Mobile had been pretty damn good, much better than I even expected heading in that’s for sure. There are indeed some more rural areas where T-Mobile might not have coverage and their LTE certainly isn’t that far widespread at this point, but around here it’s fine. I was also on probation until a few weeks ago, so I wasn’t going anywhere. Even when I do travel, I pretty much stick to the well beaten path. I’m obviously not a camper. I think it’s ridiculous to go travel somewhere to pretend you’re homeless for a few days.

This is The End groupYet a few weeks ago I ran into a little bit of a problem with my group texting. I’m in this group thread with a group of my best friends, and we send a lot of messages. It’s basically like a chat-room that we are all in throughout the day. There are some lulls of course as everyone except me has an actual job, but there are also periods of sustained intense activity. It had all worked fine until all of a sudden my phone starting randomly sending out blank texts. It all looked fine on my end, yet to all of them my text which had content in it would just come up as a blank box. There was no way of me knowing when this would happen except by them telling me, which tended to piss me off and drive me crazy. One of the reasons was because anybody who knows me knows that I am a huge Android proponent. 4 people in the thread have iPhones, and one lost soul has a Blackberry Torch (I pray for him nightly). So once this problem started happening it gave my Apple friends all the license to go on and on about how my HTC One is such a shitty phone that it can’t even perform the actions of a flip phone and so on. This made me even angrier. I also recognize that one of my character defects is that I tend to flip out a little bit. My friends knowing me well realize this and just try to egg it on. It eventually got to the point where they were claiming blank texts when they weren’t blank just to drive me crazy. It was working as I was on the verge of a complete psychological break.

Another one of my character defects is that I’m not one that asks for help easily. I will never ask where anything is at a store. I will wander around and around until I can find it. Even if someone comes up t me and asks if they can help me find something, I will tell them that I do not require any assistance. I just like to solve things myself. If I can’t find the item, I will assume they must not have it then and leave. So as a last resort, I decide to try to give the flunkies at T-Mobile customer service a try.

Now when I do something, I do it all out so I immediately started bombarding T-Mobile on all fronts. I tweeted their customer service, I posted a topic in the community support forum, I emailed the customer service department, I hit up the chat with the customer service representative and I called on the phone. All at basically the same time. Go hard or go home.

Guy yelling at phoneAll of it was basically the same thing. They would start on their stupid written down list of things to do that were all these basic idiotic things like restart the phone, deleting the texting thread etc…. I would try to explain to them that I used to sell phones and troubleshoot all day for customers so I know all this stuff just skip ahead. They would explain that they had to try all these methods first. I can’t really blame these fools after all they were just reading off a script, but it was so frustrating and slow. It would take hours just to wade through all the bullshit that I of course had already done. The whole time I’m getting madder and madder. Then they eventually get to have you tried replacing the SIM card. Of course they always say this, here’s a hint it never does anything. I think it’s just something that they can say to get you off the phone since it requires you to go get a SIM card. Problem solved for right now right, let us know how that works out. So stupid. I think the hope is that people will either forget about it, get distracted by something else or have it be a network issue that will work itself off. Either way they’ve gotten you off the phone by basically giving you a solution that has zero chance of success, yet requires action on your part.

That’s the basic tenet I think of their customer service. Do whatever it takes to get you off the phone with something that needs to be done. Then of course they have the gall to send to send you a survey with questions about how great they were in solving your problem. You solved shit, you gave me a pain in the ass assignment that requires a bunch of my busy time.

Over and over this went, exhausting all channels of support with the same bullshit. They bumped me up to their expert technical support, T-Force they called it, yet then they wanted to start right back again from the basic beginning shit. It’s like I just got sent here from the bums with all this, why are we spending all this time again? Finally I figured that I had to do something to try to solve this problem myself. I got a vat of coffee and sat down at my laptop and started wading through the depths of cyberspace. I could not take my friends referring to me as the blank text guy. I could not stand just ignoring and dropping out of the thread because I could not stand up to the psychological warfare of my close friends. I would not let T-Mobile customer service leave me a battered soul mumbling to myself in the corner.

No Problems, SolutionsGuess what though folks…….. I solved the problem myself. I found a version of Google Hangouts with SMS and MMS integration, that is not available in the Play Store. It’s a feature that I believe they plan to debut with Android 4.4 Kit-Kat, yet I got it now. It magically solved my problem. Amazing. I really don’t know how it solved my problem, but all my hundreds of group texts are now going through flawlessly. I sent them a last e-mail telling them about how I solved it. They simply replied that it was odd that it was able to be fixed. They expressed mild sarcasm that I had found a “work around”, and said they would pass on the information to their engineering team. I can only figure  it must have been a problem with the stock texting app, yet in my community support forum thread people using 3rd party apps were also having the problem. I don’t know what it was really, but I do know that I managed to solve it.

The point is that the internet is a wonderful resource that we have at our fingertips to solve problems. I like my chances at solving a problem by trying to find info myself over some person in Bangladesh calling themselves “Steve” and working for less than a McDonald’s worker here. When I think of all the time I wasted and aggravation dealing with people wanting me to try restarting the phone and then sending a test message, it almost makes me sick. So folks, if you’ve read this far, you are obviously fairly intelligent. Hell if you read my blog you’re obviously in the upper crust of society intellectually. I implore you that no matter how frustrated you get, don’t make the mistake I made. Never contact customer service, it’s just a waste of time. Get out there on the great vast world of cyberspace and try to solve the problem yourself. You’re going to be much happier with the results!!

Nonchalance, is So Dam Trendy These Days Oct 28

Lounging kittyI’ve noticed it for quite some time now, and especially once I started looking for it, but nobody seems to be in any hurry these days. Sure maybe on I-95 you might beg to differ, but there’s something about being in a car I think that trumps it. Yet I can definitely see it in around the Florida Atlantic University campus in Boca Raton, people are just not in a hurry to do anything.

Maybe it’s because I’m always rushing around, but people are constantly just getting in my way; and even worse yet they don’t even notice or seem to care. My time is valuable to me and I walk fast and constantly get stuck behind people walking 4 across at the most leisurely pace ever while I’m sitting back there fuming. This is especially true in the morning in the Breezeway since they already narrow the sucker by half with all those tables full of people hocking their issues and whatnot. In reality all those people are doing is creating massive amounts of extra trash, but that’s another blog post.

Full street in NYCIt’s long been my argument that people in South Florida simply do not know how to walk. I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt by chalking it up to ignorance because it is in fact quite rude. People here will think nothing of walking down a busy pathway and just stopping to say something or look at something. They then just sit there blocking the walkway without a car in the world. I wish people could go to New York City for a while just to learn how to walk. There’s a place where you either walk the right way, or you get run over. Walk right or die. That’s how it should be.

Now I can say this since I’m half Cuban…… minorities are much much worse about this than simple white folk. Blacks or Hispanics walk around campus like they’ve never had anywhere to be in their entire life. They walk so slow, and always at least 3 or 4 abreast across a walkway. I wanna scream. Oftentimes I have to walk around with Jack Johnson on my earbuds just to try to keep me mellow. Calmer than you are dude.

Kanye shrugIt’s not just the walking either, it’s this whole laissez-faire attitude when it comes to everything. I just got out of a class that is supposed to go from 1:00-3:50. This girl waltzes in about 1:35, wearing a homecoming sash of course as any princess should, and takes a seat next to me. What can I say of course, I’m a good-looking guy. Never mind about why the seat was empty in the first place. She then sits down for a little bit, twirls here hair around her finger a few times; and then at 1:52 dips out never to return. So this girl showed up over half an hour late, stayed for a little over 15 minutes and then took off. Out of a 2 hour and 50 minute class she showed up for around 17 minutes. Also not even on time so it’s not like she got attendance credit and then dipped or anything.

I must say I’m actually a little bit jealous. Maybe it’s my life experiences and growing up on the mean streets of Palm Beach that has hardened me, but I wish I could give as little a fuck as most people around here seem to give. I care too much and it drives me crazy. I walk fast, I get to things on time and I stay till they are over. Maybe I’m the schmuck and everybody else has it right. I might try just cruising around for a day and trying not to care, but I simply don’t think I could do it. Even with no need to be anywhere on time, I’m still gonna walk fast and wanna get there in a hurry. It’s just my mental makeup and infuriates me that other people are not like that. Don’t you people, yes I said you people remember I’m half Cuban, have things to do? Places to be? Is everyone on Xanax and nobody got me?

FAU Owls Tug at My Florida Gators Heart Oct 07

FAU vs Florida graphicFor those that don’t know, I started attending Florida Atlantic University this past Spring after attending University of Florida after high school in 1999. I’ve always been a diehard Gators fan, one of the biggest you will ever come across, and never thought my heart would be swayed even in the slightest. Yet know I find a little bit of my heart falling for these lovable FAU Owls.

My Gators obsession started even before birth as I am sure that I was exposed to Gators love even in the womb. I was born at lovely Shands Hospital on the UF campus in Gainesville, FL while my parents were there attending school. The first picture of lovely Frank Reed Fitton III at the hospital shows me wearing a shirt that says, “I was Born a Baby Gator.” So were talking about 32 years of beautiful tradition here, so you are dam right I’m living in the past.

NCAA Football: Florida Atlantic at South FloridaSince I started in the spring 2013, I did miss last year’s forgettable FAU football season. This year has been my first exposure to the Owls in that regard. I never thought that I would really care about following this team at all, but honestly it is hard not to love them. While not a dominant force at all, that are young and full of fight. Led by sophomore quarterback Jaquez Johnson, the Owls may be sitting at 2-4 on the season but they could very easily be 4-2 with stinging close loses to Rice and Middle Tennessee State. The Rice game Johnson sat out with a collarbone injury and the MTSU game was lost in overtime.

The Gators are first in my heart now, and at this point I figure forever, but I am telling you that you never know. I’m just glad that they are not rivals at this point. FAU did make a visit to the Swamp a couple years back, but it was a paycheck game that they had no chance of winning. While I don’t think it is possible to root for two top tier type teams. I think it is possible to root for two teams if one is at the top level of the game and the other is farther down.

Yet this Owls team I will say definitely appears to be on the rise. Who knows what we might be talking about a few years from now. One of FAU’s victories this year is over the University of South Florida, and those Bulls were a top tier football team a few years back. While they have taken an epic fall since those days, they took quite the epic rise to get to the position for said fall. Could FAU trudge a similar path? Could FAU and Florida one day be rivals? I would say that crazy things certainly have happened.

Sun risingRight now for me it is UF first and FAU second and rising, yet with still a long way to go. Yet FAU is for a fact #2 with a bullet. Once I finish this degree at FAU it might make it even a closer battle, and in that time I anticipate FAU improving as well.

With that improvement FAU’s fan base hopefully might get a little more fired up, which they would certainly need if they want to win this heart. With this blog post in mind, today I wore a Gators shirt to class at FAU. I did not get a single comment, or even a dirty look that I noticed. This shouldn’t happen if we were in fact rivals. I need a little bit of hatred between the schools in order to make me choose one or the other in the future. So I am letting you know right now Owls, that if you want to win this heart over you are going to have to get a little bit more fired up. Trust me too, you want this heart, you want it bad as I am one of the biggest fans of my teams out there. Right now you are staying in the guest house, hopefully seething and planning a mutiny. I cannot wait to see how the next couple years play out. Hell, we even got Jeff Driskel’s brother coming to Boca Raton to play next year that would make it even more interesting.

ESPN 760 Officially Retired and It Feels Wrong Sep 13

ESPN 760This had been in the works for quite some time, but this past Tuesday ESPN 760 officially converted to all Spanish ESPN Desportes. ESPN 760 had been our local AM sports talk radio since as far back as I can really remember and it’s sad to see it go. Now it’s not like we are left high and dry. Quite a bit back they had begun broadcasting on 106.3 FM, and that’s where all the programming that we’ve come to love can still be found. The last few months they’ve been duel broadcasting, but now it’s all on the FM. That’s where you can find your Evan Cohen, your Ken LaVicka and your national ESPN radio hosts you crave like the incomparable Colin Cowherd and his Herd.

Yet something just doesn’t sit right with me with it being on 106.3 FM. Even these past few months I had continued listening to it on the ol’ faithful 760 on the AM dial. It’s sports talk radio, it’s been ingrained in me that it should be on AM. 106.3 FM sounds to me like I’m going to be tuning into some screechingly bad Rush or Journey, not the sweet soothing sounds of Evan Cohen and Alan from Wellington going at it.

Abraham_SimpsonI try and tell myself that I’m being ridiculous. The station owners did it with the best intentions at heart. After all it is an incontrovertible fact that the FM waves have a stronger signal. It certainly sounds better most places on the FM dial. Yet it still just doesn’t seem right to me. I imagine the old geezer’s back in the day saying, “this color TV thing will never catch on, it’s not supposed to look like that bring back my black and white.” Shut up old man, this color is awesome I would’ve told that guy. Yet I find myself longing for the days of 760 on the old faithful AM dial.

I have a lot of good memories of ESPN 760. It was the first time that I ever called into a radio show, the first time I ever called into a radio contest and the first time I ever won a radio contest. The first two were at the same time and I can remember it like it was yesterday.

I was living in Palm Beach at the time and as a result of this constantly had to traverse the drawbridge. My bridge was the northernmost one and I lost quite a bit of my life waiting on that sucker to open and close. This time I was the very first car just missing making the bridge. That’s the worst as it opens and closes all slow in front of you just mocking you. I was listening to 760 at the time and they had a trivia question. It was soccer question. Due to my love of it as well as because of my gambling, I consider myself a bit of an expert on the game. At least in these parts that is. The question was an easy one that I knew right away. It was “name the Portuguese former FC Porto manager who currently manages Chelsea.” I knew right away that the answer was of course Jose Mourinho.

Mourinho chuggingI sat there in my car, staring at the bridge muttering to myself how anybody who knows anything knows it’s Jose Mourinho. Since I wasn’t doing anything I figured I might as well call in. I had the number in my phone already since I had called into Evan Cohen’s show a few weeks before about something that I can’t really remember. I called up, got on the radio and answered the question. I nailed it and won a $50 gift certificate to Shane’s Rib Shack on Southern Blvd. I was ecstatic, I had never really won anything like that in my life.

I went to their offices on Palm Beach Lakes to pick up my winnings the next day. I shared an elevator with the now departed Mike Goldstein and really felt like wow what an awesome place this is.

That’s my fond memory of ESPN 760 and things just don’t seem the same over on the FM side of the dial. FM radio is Casey Kasem and more the style of my good friend Jeremy Loper. Evan Cohen to me is an AM guy and this is an awkward state of affairs. Maybe I’m just being that old black and white television geezer, but I miss the shows I love being on 760 AM.

Now I do speak Spanish, so I guess I could still enjoy my old channel every once in a while, but while I speak the language it’s not my preferred means of communication. Sometimes I’ll watch a soccer game over on Univision just because those announcers are soooo much better than the English speaker announcers, but I at least have the visual accompaniment there. No, I will not be listening to ESPN Desportes. I guess I’ll have to bite the bullet and take these ears over to 106.3 FM. As Bob Dylan sang all those years ago, “the times they are a-changing.”

It Only Took a Week for Mike Wallace to Get Disgruntled Sep 09

mike-wallace-dolphins-july-30-iconSo the Dolphins went out on Sunday and did something that they haven’t done too often the last few years, they secured a fairly decisive quality road victory. Sure it was the Browns, but it’s not like it was the Jaguars. Yet things surprisingly weren’t all smiles in the Dolphins locker room. In fact one member of the team was so upset about the game that he had to be consoled by Dolphins General Manager Jeff Ireland upon leaving the field. That person was also the person that just signed the largest free agent contract in Dolphins history. Yes Fins fans, it’s only been one week and Mike Wallace is upset.

Mike Wallace, he of the $60 million contract in the Spring, I guess never heard about trying to endear yourself to the fans or his teammates. All he wants to know is why Brian Hartline and Brandon Gibson were getting the balls that were supposed to go to him. Never mind the fact that Wallace had All-Pro corner Joe Haden on him most of the game while those guys were being covered by a couple of dudes named Owens and Skrine. Nope, Mike Wallace wants the ball.

Wallace was not up for talking to reporters after the game saying “I don’t feel like talking, man”. When pressed about not being targeted in the first half, he really made his emotions clear by stating “Ask coach, it’s not my game plan.”

Now if we wanted to put a positive spin on this we could say that it’s great that he wants so badly to be involved. He could just be happy to be cashing his big fat paycheck, would you want that?

mike-wallace-miami-dolphinsThe reality of the situation though is that this is a guy that obviously has a “me” over a “we” attitude. Furthermore, he lacks the brains to keep those feelings to himself. The diplomatic response, and the right one, would be to be happy that the team picked up a nice road victory. A smart football mind could clearly see out there that Wallace was drawing extra attention and leading to those other guys being open. Anything that I can do out there to help the team win, and thus earn those big fat paychecks. That’s what we wanna hear you say Mike Wallace. More importantly, that’s what we want to have you feel.

This is exactly what I thought Miami didn’t need, we didn’t need another diva wide receiver that was going to be bad for team chemistry. It’s obvious that Brandon Marshall has all the talent in the world, but things just didn’t work out with him. It took him a lot longer than week #1 to start complaining too. This is the start of very rocky footing that I hope the Dolphins coaching staff is skilled enough to navigate around. If things are like this when we are winning, imagine what it’s going to look like when the inevitable losing streak rears it’s head because I hate to break it to you, but this team isn’t going 16-0.

Just a Guy Trying to Stay Tan in South Florida Aug 15

Keep Calm Get Your Tan OnA little bit over a year ago, I woke up one morning and didn’t like what I saw. I looked white and pasty. This was not a good luck I thought to myself and I realized that something had to be done. I realized that I was busy with life and had not been able to make time for the beach like I used to. I wanted to be tan, and knew I looked a lot better with a tan. So I decided that I would give the world of tanning salons a try.

The first time I went tanning was actually with my girlfriend at the time. I brought it up with her one day at lunch down in Boynton and she was just like, hell yeah let’s go. She had been a few times before, I had never been. My first question was what about my junk? It probably burns way easy right? That would hurt I imagine? Do I go in there naked? She informed me that yes she went in naked, but you can do whatever you want. At this time I never wore underwear, yet I was concerned about my favorite parts burning and then not being able to be used in the grand manner they had been accustomed to. She was also concerned as she was a big fan of those areas as well. So we decided that we would stop at Ross to get me some underwear of some sort to wear. She had been wanting me to start wearing some anyway so it worked out quite well for her.

Boxers vs BriefsOnce we got to Ross then there was a decision to make. Briefs or boxers? I had always worn boxers before so that was what I was headed for as it was the closest thing to the free feeling that I had grown used to. Then I saw the boxer briefs, hmmmmm I thought now this is interesting. Maybe there is something to being nice and snug and form fitting. She agreed that it was the sexiest look so I agreed to give them a try. She told me to just put them on and pay for the package with the 2 of the 3 still in it. This seemed weird to me. I said I’ll just change somewhere else. I paid and then we stopped at McDonald’s and I went in there and put them on. This seems insane looking back at it. Why not just put them on when I got to the tanning place? Yet being a newbie I had no idea what to expect there. I absolutely hate not knowing what is going on. So I chose to change in the disgusting McDonald’s stall.

We hit up the Copper Tan down in Boynton and it was fantastic. When I left there and stepped outside there was this crazy warm cool sensation on my skin and it felt amazing. I was instantly in love with the process. Wow, so this is what I have been missing out on. I decided in the parking lot after the first session that this was something that I wanted to do. I ended up ditching the boxer briefs after session #3, and my man parts have never had an issue. No tan lines on this fella.

The main benefit of course is looking good. I found that once I started doing it, everything started going better. I was selling phones at the time and my sales actually increased. Customers would come in all the time and comment on how refreshed I looked. I would get comments from people about how I must have just gotten back from vacation and things, it made me feel good.

Laying out for HoursBeing a busy guy I don’t really have the time to go and sit out in the sun for hours at a time. Going to the tanning salon you can jump in there for 9 or 12 minutes and boom you’re done. I was living in Palm Beach Gardens at the time and there was literally a Cooper Tan 2 minutes away from my house. I joined up there and started going a lot. I did some research online and talking with the beautiful girls there, another benefit, and realized some of the tips and tricks of the trade. At first I didn’t use any lotion at all, but I realized that was a complete waste. I hopped on the lotion bandwagon. I also decided that I would go with the standup tanning beds as opposed to the lay-down ones, the standing up just seemed more manly.

Of course the whole manliness factor is a bit of a concern. Some people might look down upon it, but I’ve realized that is a bit of a fallacy. From my days going there I can tell you that the mix of people that go there is about 50-50. Now I would certainly never do the spray tan thing as that seems like an almost totally girls only thing, but there are tons of guys out there tanning so there’s nothing to be embarrassed about fellas. Guys though still seem a bit reluctant to admit it, they might say that they’ve just been going to the beach a lot or something. Yet, I have no reason to lie and am not ashamed. My life is an open book.

I’ve since moved over to the Northboro section of West Palm Beach so its now a bit more of an effort to get to the tanning place. I still go to Copper Tan in Palm Beach Gardens just because it’s where I feel comfortable. Not having a license means that I have to take the bus to get there. I’m pretty confident that I’m the only person on the PalmTran that’s going tanning. People are on there heading to their jobs at McDonald’s or heading to doctor’s appointments; not Frank, he’s heading to the tanning salon.

The boxer briefs thing has also stayed. I realized that I was missing out all those years that I detached from the underwear world. It’s kinda nice to be snug and streamlined. I even joined this club the Underwear Society run by tattoo model Kristen Leanne. She sends me a cool pair of boxer briefs and a pair of socks each month that she scours the earth for. It’s been awesome as she gets really interesting stuff that is killer every month.

I probably go tanning about 3-4 times a week. I don’t overdo it like some people can be known to do. That’s when you start looking weird. Those weird looking people go every single day and that’s too much. You don’t have to look like a Jersey Shore jackass, you can just look like a hot fun Florida dude/ You can have an awesome tan from going a few times a week and you don’t have to look like one of those overdone douchebags.

Tanning Eye ProtectionThe question of health risks of course has to come up. While I’m no expert on that aspect, I do feel that there are health risks associated with everything pretty much. There are health risks from getting tan outside naturally too. I do wear eye protection in the tanning bed as that seems to be a consensus that needs to be done. I usually take them off for like one minute a session just so I don’t get too apparent rings around my eyes. I’m sure there are health risks, but you can’t live your life avoiding everything that might be risky. Anything that is enjoyable or worth doing has some aspects that are bad for you. Pizza isn’t good for you, but it sure tastes good right. You gotta live a little I say.

I recommend to any guy out there to give it a try, especially the busy ones. There’s nothing wrong with it, and you can lie to people if you want. Not everyone out there is roped into the whole living by principles thing like I am. I think you will find that the results meet with a nice reception by the people out there. I know my line of work it helped with and every girl I’ve met has liked it. Compliments build your confidence, which in turn makes your results better and it just snowballs from there. So put your preconceptions aside for a bit, buy some lotion and get out there and get your tan on.

Motorola Moto X the Beginning of the Customization Craze Aug 06

MotoX-12The Motorola Moto X was announced this past week amidst a whole lot of hoopla. The phone had been eagerly anticipated and leaked with the right information at the right times to create a nice little buzz. The phone itself is a bit disappointing in comparison to the other stuff that’s out at the minute such as the HTC One and Samsung Galaxy S4. Yet, Motorola wasn’t really going for a high performance flagship style phone. They were going for a more medium style handset with the hopes of getting it in a whole lot of people’s hands.

When you look at the specs of the Moto X, it’s a yawner that looks about a year behind it’s time. It has a dual core processor and a 720p display. Both things that the top phones trump with quad core and 1080p being perhaps the “standard” for top of the line phones right now. The interesting thing is that the pricing that Motorola announced is in line with a top of the line performance phone, $199 on contract. That was perhaps the most shocking part about the announcement. This phone screams $99.99. There is no way that with these specs you can have this phone at the same price as the One and S4, it’s just ludicrous. Why would anyone buy a Moto X?

The answer I think lies in the most alluring aspect of the phone, all the customizations options. Customization hasn’t really existed in the phone industry in regards to the phones themselves all that much. All the customization people could do with their cases, that was where the room for that kind of stuff existed. Motorola though has flipped it and decided to do it to the phones themselves. I’m sure the case people are none too pleased about this because why would you do all this coolness to your phone only to put a case on it? I’ve never been a big case guy personally as I don’t like to add any extra bulk or size. Sure I’ve broken a few phones in my time, but just small cracks nothing that I haven’t been able to live with until I can get another phone. I was always intrigued though by the cool cases and changing up your look. Motorola doing this I think is pure genius.

Moto X WoodThey have a website called the Motorola Moto Maker where you can go to and customize your very own Moto X. You can change the color of the back of the phone, the color of the edges, the color of the volume rocker and even the color of the ring around the camera. They claim that there are over 2,000 different color combinations that a customer can achieve. It’s very similar to the Nike ID website where you can customize your own shoes. I’ve always wanted to try that as I’ve seen some amazingly awesome colorful combinations come out of that, mostly by this one hot Miss Florida USA contestant that I know. The Motorola site brings that aspect to phones and it’s awesome.  They are said to be working on some different wood backs and images of those have leaked. The wood ones I am in love with. You can also engrave a message into the back of the phone as part of your customization package. We saw this a little bit on a personal level when Samsung made Lebron a Galaxy Note II with his logo engraved in it, but never on this level to the actual average Joe consumer.

All this sounds really cool and intriguing right? Well, I hope that you have AT&T because as of launch they are going to be the only carrier that is a part of the coolest part about the Moto X. T-Mobile for one isn’t even carrying the phone at all, but they have a history of a very rocky relationship with Motorola with the last phone I can really remember them carrying being the rugged Motorola Defy. Verizon and Sprint are carrying the phone but for some reason not being a part of the customization process. I don’t know if that was their choice. If it was their choice then they are simply complete idiots. My best guess though is that Motorola is attempting to gauge interest in the customization procedure before going at it full bore. I’m sure they don’t want to underestimate the amount of people that want it and get flooded with requests resulting in a backlog of Nexus like proportions. So my advice to those on Verizon, which I still feel is network #1, is if you want the Moto X to hold your horses as I figure they will be in the customization game soon. Verizon customers should be used to waiting anyway, they are still waiting for those chumps to release the HTC One.

Moto X customizationAll this is really cool and interesting and I hope the start of other companies hopping on the customization wagon but……… as a phone guy I can’t see myself buying one. It’s very cool and if I had a family I’d probably get one for my high school daughter or something, but it’s not for me. I can’t see myself buying a device simply because it looks cool. I need some better specs and higher performance. The phone world progresses so fast that it seems ludicrous to make a purchase of a device that is already about a year behind in the spec game. You ALWAYS have to buy cutting edge in my opinion because even if you do that it’s going to be behind the eight ball in 6 months. If you already buy an older phone, like for instance going out and getting a Galaxy S3 now, by the time you can get another phone it’s an ancient relic. Now all this might be changing with some of those cool new upgrade early programs, but that is another column.

I dabbled a little bit one time in the predecessor to this customization stuff. I remember a little ways back when I was working at the phone store and getting a new phone. I was going to get the Motorola Droid Razr MAXX which was the hottest phone at the time. There were rumors, which later were confirmed, of a Verizon employee one that featured a red and black criss-crossed back pattern. I wanted it, I wanted it bad. I just thought it would be so awesome to have something that didn’t look like hardly anyone else out there’s phone. Unfortunately as a 3rd party retailer I was not eligible to get one. My only hope was to convince a regular Verizon store guy to get me theirs. I contemplated shadily hanging out in the parking lot of the corporate store trying to take guys down dark alleys to talk when the store closed. Yet alas, it all seemed a little bit much and I ended up with a regular plain black Razr MAXX. Yet by that experience I could tell just how much I craved to have something different, something to set me apart as being special.

While I will not be getting one based on the crappy specs, I think there is a whole lot of good to be taken from this Moto X. My dream is that this customization thing takes off and the they start doing it with genuine flagship devices. A customizable Galaxy S5 would be awesome, or if they could throw it together in time how about with next month’s Note 3. One of the things I love about the mobile industry is it’s always interesting and innovative. It’s also always one where people copy other people’s good ideas. Hoping that this is one of them. Who knows, next year every phone on the market might be customizable.

 

WWE Obvious Leaker Labeled as Nostradamus Jul 16

wwe_logo_crop_650x440Yesterday my good friends over at Deadspin released a story about a redditor who has correctly predicted the outcomes of 38 consecutive WWE matches. Deadspin by the way is a wonderful website if you like controversial or just plain funny sports news and good old investigative sports journalism. You should really read it every day, after you read Go Sell Crazy of course.

The guy over on Reddit goes by the alias “Dolphins1925″ and is a perfect 38 for 38 since he started posting the information. Now this is not just some guy out there predicting winners, no this guy has a higher motive in mind. His (I somehow amused it’s a guy but it could be a woman, or even a group yet I don’t wanna say it or the dreaded he/she) stated motive is to expose that this information is being leaked. He claims to not have any affiliation with WWE, but just to be an average fan who has taken on it to open up WWE management’s eyes to keep these secrets more closely guarded to preserve the integrity of the sport.

First off, I don’t want to bust the bubble of my powerful pre-teen male demographic readership…… but Pro Wrestling is FAKE. There, whew, the elephant in the room is out now we can proceed with the story. So Dolphins1925 really is a sort of modern day freedom fighter who is trying to preserve said integrity of said fake sport. I mean pro wrestling doesn’t have very much integrity to begin with, so to lose this last little sliver would be a crushing blow I’m sure.

Apparently the WWE didn’t have any idea that this guy existed until Deadspin contacted them for comment on the story. You would think one of their loyal fans would have bounced them an email or something on the topic when the guy was at 30 for 30 or something like that, but I guess that didn’t happen.

NostradamusWWE did finally release a brief comment on the situation last night which said “We may have a modern day Nostradamus on our hands. We might have to monitor these posts in advance of our next pay-per-view to see how good he or she really is.”

Really WWE? Calling this guy Nostradamus is somehow implying that the information is not leaked and this guy is just predicting it by himself. That is ridiculous. No one could go 38 for 38 predicting that. Even on real sports that are actually statistically based and can be handicapped. The fact that it’s all predetermined makes any “handicapping” of wrestling a complete joke.

Sportsbooks do offer lines on pro wrestling, which I’ve always found quite interesting. His most recent predictions were for the WWE’s Money in the Bank event. One of these events had 6 competitors in it and another one of them 7. The word was that the field was wide open, and the eventual winners came as a shock to most wrestling fans. Dolphins1925 though nailed them all. The interesting thing though was that on Bodog, a popular online sportsbook, all the eventual winners were also the favorites for that particular event. What that tells us is that the sportsbook’s are getting the information leaked as well. That should not be shocking at all as if some random guy can get it and post it on Reddit, there’s zero chance the sportsbooks don’t know it first. Sportsbooks have the most inside information of the inside. I remember when one of my good friends played for one of the biggest college football programs in the country and I would get information and another good friend of mine who works at a sportsbook would regard it as old news.

Breaking the Magician's Code groupAll pro wrestling does have going for it though is the illusion. It’s like a magic trick that’s fun and interesting to watch as long as you don’t know how it’s done. Remember when Breaking the Magician’s Code aired on Fox and all the magicians were up in arms? That’s what’s going on here. Just like magic, take the illusion away from wrestling and it’s just a bunch of homoerotic guy’s jumping around in costumes. It might have a second life down in Key West, but the mass appeal of the sport would be dead.

Granted as you probably gather, I’m not a pro wrestling guy. I know some people that are into it, and if you’re into it from what I gather you are into it deep. The most interesting thing I’ve done with pro wrestling was the Sega Genesis game’s back in the day which were pretty sweet.

Nevertheless, I can understand the appeal. I also know that a lot of wrestling fans are angry at Dolphins1925. Yet he is himself an admitted wrestling fan and doing this in order to open their eyes to the problem. He seems like someone who should be applauded. So what if he ruins a few events in the short term, that you somehow paid $50 for which is baffling, this guy has long term goals.

Who am IYet, we’d all like to know just who this guy is? Our biggest clue to Dolphins1925′s true identity are of course his statements about not being affiliated in anyway with WWE, and the alias itself. Dolphins1925, Dolphins1925. It’s safe to assume that most people are thinking this guy is a South Florida local, much like myself which makes this more intriguing. It’s more likely that he is a fan of the Miami Dolphins football team than just some creepy guy that likes porpoises I’m assuming. That takes us to the 1925 part. A birth date is the most likely culprit from my days working at the cell phone store and dealing with idiots and their passwords. So that leaves us with an 88 year old Miami Dolphins fan. Yet the whole idea of Reddit throws that off. Reddit is really a young man’s world and I don’t know any 88 year old people who even know what Reddit is. Perhaps this spry geezer is that diabolical that he knows that and chose that forum to intentionally throw us off.

Yet I have another suspect. There is a certain shrink friend of mine that this sounds right up his alley. He’s a big Dolphins fan, and often feigns obliviousness when it comes to Social Media type sites. For one he doesn’t even have a Facebook account. He also claims to not have a Twitter account, yet I’ve seen him on Twitter on his phone which shows you just how sneaky he is. If you inspect the Dolphins1925 manifesto statement from the Deadspin article you’ll notice that while saying he has no affiliation with the WWE, he claims to know someone that does and that they are the source of the information. This shrink friend of mine did use to do a lot of blow with the WWE diva girls before he went all scholarly, which is a little known fact. This only leaves us with the 1925 part.

Dicaprio GatsbyI thought long and hard about how I could connect him to the 1925 part so I started doing more research. I sat up all night pouring through 1925 in my head. I wrote 1925 on my whiteboard first forwards, then backwards, then inverted, then in Mandarin Chinese, and then in Cantonese. I came up with nothing. Then it finally came to me. 1925 was the year that F. Scott Fitzgerald published The Great Gatsby, it was all so crystal clear now. If you knew my friend you would be as equally convinced that it was him as I am at this moment.

I made a beeline over to his enclave and suspecting nothing he let me in. After some smalltalk about the hot chick in the yoga pants I saw at Starbucks that morning, this gets his trust and distracts him. I finally went right for the jugular with my accusation. I saw a drop of sweat drip from his brow, his eye darted to it at the same as my eye. I saw the sweat, he saw the sweat, and he knew that I saw the sweat and I knew that he saw the sweat. The drop of sweat was know by all. He quickly stammered “I have no idea what you are talking about.” He then stubbed his toe on the end table, perhaps purposely, and muttered something about having a client coming and I needed to leave.

It’s going to be very interesting to see where this progresses from here. Rest assured though my faithful readers that I will not turn down the heat. In fact, said heat will be cranked up a notch or two. Go Sell Crazy is on the case.

 

Killing Bono is an Enjoyable Tale of Comparative Ineptitude Jul 15

Killing Bono posterThe tale of Neil McCormick and his brother’s struggles through trying to make it in the music business could be a tale all in itself, however the thing that makes this one especially stand out is that they were high school classmates of the guy’s who would make up U2.

For those a little too young to remember it, at one point when I was growing up U2 was the biggest band of the world. I think people a little bit older than me, like my youngest aunt, probably really were at the crux of the “U2 Generation”. While being huge, U2 was always a band that a bit seemed to understand the moment and almost mocked their gigantic nature. Their grand Zooropa album might be conceived as a band being full of themselves, if you didn’t get the jest behind it and its concepts of music over saturation. Bono himself once famously stated, “Look, I`m sick of Bono and I AM Bono.”

The movie Killing Bono (2011) is based on Neil McCormick’s 2003 memoir entitled I Was Bono’s Doppelganger. It said that McCormick added the “Killing Bono” title for the book at Bono’s own request for the book’s United States release.

Neil McCormick real lifeMcCormick in his own rite is a pretty successful journalist in his own right at this point as he is currently the head music critic for The Telegraph group in London. The film centers on his early struggles in the music business and how it compare’s to his good friends.

At the beginning of the film both Neil and Bono are starting bands at the same time. The real life Neil McCormick was indeed a high school classmate of both Bono and U2 guitarist The Edge. In fact U2 at this point wants McCormick’s brother to be in their band, but McCormick insists that his brother wants to “stay with his brother”. He never in fact informs his brother of this fact and it provides one of the chief conflicts of the later half of the movie. Everything that’s possible seems to go wrong for McCormick during his rise to the top, a lot of them with very comic results. There are the usual comments on the shadiness of the record business, as well as the go to any length measures that McCormick has to take in order to try and make it in the business. Yet there is an underlying human nature of McCormick that perpetuates through it all that makes the audience really care about him. McCormick makes what turns out to be very true to his vision decisions that blow up in his face time after time again. All of this time, his struggles are constantly contrasted with the meteoric rise of his former friends and U2.

Just how much of this account is in actuality fact and how much is dramatic hyperbole, is up for conjecture. To me though that doesn’t really matter. It’s an enjoyable tale that has it’s basis in fact. To me people do have artistic license to embellish and extrapolate a little bit in order to make their story as enjoyable to the audience as it can be. Whether that’s in literature, film, or even this blog; that’s really the whole point isn’t it?

Bono singingKilling Bono is certainly enjoyable. It’s directed by Nick Hamm, who is perhaps best known for 2004′s The Hole which featured the first performance of Keira Knightley. It starts Ben Barnes as Neil McCormick and Robert Sheehan as his brother Ivan McCormick. The conflict and interplay between the brother’s provides for some of the high points in the film. Martin McCann plays Bono in the film to some very memorable snippets. Bono comes off really well in the film, and gave his full support to both the memoir and the later film. He comes across as really just this laid back introspective genius who indeed realizes just how lucky his band is to have made it and is really just enjoying the moment. It’s an image that Bono does indeed go a long way to present in the public eye, and it might even be true.

The film in all it’s Trainspotting like running around and snippets of Irish life, does raise some interesting questions on human nature. Can we really be happy for our friend’s success? It’s a tough one, you can certainly say all the right things and I’d say even feel it 90%, but there is always going to be a lingering wish it was me feeling. McCormick seems to be at times driving by his friend’s success, and at times held back by it. It certainly must be hard in the fact that as much as he tries to cover up or ignore it, once people find out that they are childhood friend’s of U2 that’s the only angle they want to play up. McCormick himself fights against it, and even declines Bono’s offers of help including being an opener for their massive gig in Dublin. McCormick in his sincere glory responds “We’d rather play for 500 of our own fans, than 60,000 of yours”.

It makes you wonder how many Neil McCormick’s are out there that didn’t eventually find their own niche, McCormick’s in a roundabout way that’s ends in the family in which he ends up writing a feature piece on an unsavory character under a bit of forced circumstances. For every Kobe Bryant out there, there is somewhere an embittered former childhood friend out there saying that he was better than Kobe when they were 13. From the bottom of a whiskey bottle he shakes his fist at the sky going “where did I go wrong?”.

Bono and Neil McCormickI’m not one of those that believes everyone has their path in life. I believe that it’s up to each individual out there to determine the path that they are going to take. Certainly there are genetic and environmental factors that come into pay, but they are not all-determining. It’s simply that if you wish to counter act genetic or environmental factors, you’re just going to have to work that much harder. Hard work will get you somewhere every time. Neil McCormick was a hard work, he funneled that into music for a long time without very much success. However, that hard work did spit him out at the end as a success in another field.

As much as Killing Bono is an enjoyable tale about countless failure, it is in the end a tale of success as McCormick does find his way. In an enjoyable roundabout way that the audience is taking along the ride for, McCormick does in fact make it although we are only informed of this in the postscript. The film gives you an enjoyable storyline full of conflict and characters that you can really care about. Unlike McCormick’s life, this film is a success right from the beginning.