For those that don’t know, while this blog is quite marvelous and enthralling nonetheless it does not pay the bills. So I also have a day job working for a 3rd party vendor slanging product inside of Costco in Palm Beach Gardens, FL. If your ever there, feel free to come and say hi if you can find me.

Today was quite the exciting day at work. Not in the same making money and selling sense as Black Friday, but exciting. For once the excitement didn’t center on my area. Rather, it was because my good friend Mr. Donald Trump was stopping by to sign his new book Time to Get Tough: Making America #1 Again. Sorry Mr. Trump, I don’t plan on reading it, but I have always had a strange affinity for you. Maybe it’s the hair, maybe it’s the attitude, maybe it’s the hot blonde daughter; the Donald has always held a special place in my heart.

The Don was supposed to be there to sign his book from 2:30 – 4:00. Naturally for a man of his stature he arrived fashionably late. In comes Mr. Trump at around 2:45 in a classy suit as always and a bright orange tie. The hair was flowing majestically in the breeze from the industrial size air vents in the store, it was stunning. He had to walk right in front of me to get to his area and part of me actually thought he might stop and say hi. After all, we have met quite a few times. Growing up in Palm Beach I’ve had the chance to hob nob with the Don a little bit. Unfortunately, all I got was this sort of half smirk half wink thing that I couldn’t even recreate if I tried. I think he probably did recognize me, but knowing that I’ve fallen on some rougher times since we last met, he probably didn’t want to put me out or make me feel embarrassed. That’s just the kind of guy that the Don is.

The people had been assembling there probably since 1pm and there was quite the crowd awaiting the arrival of the man. There was a mix of all sorts there. One of the first guys in line was wearing this strange sort of Payne Stewartish golf outfit that I’m not quite sure exactly what the message was he was trying to convey. There was also this semi Milfish blonde in her 40′s with her two sons that had gone all out, heavy makeup, high heels short skirt. She was really trying to impress the Don. Sadly, I saw her leaving by herself later on. Hopefully he at least got her number. Another guy was there who calmly stood without moving for the duration of the signing holding a Trump for President sign.

There have been rumors about a Trump run for President for the last couple years; it was even featured on this blog. This signing might just show that he does in fact still have those types of aspirations. I don’t really see it happening this year, although in 4 more years who knows.

The location of the signing though is quite puzzling. My sources at the store indicated to me that it was the first book signing in the history of the location. I can’t imagine the PR team of Mr. Trump sitting around thinking about locations and somebody deciding to throw out the Costco in Lake Park. I believe his only other signing is tomorrow at another Costco up in New York I believe, but don’t quote me on that. I’d hate any of you to feel pissed about missing out on this one and make the trek up there only to be let down on my account. Do some research ya selves.

Mr. Trump sat there and graciously signed and signed. He more than made up for his tardiness by staying well past his appointed hour of departure. There was one of those I think I’m techy guys annoying me  talking about products that I know he’s not going to buy who decided at 4pm that he wanted to go get a Trump book. I prayed that the wayward individual would be too late, but the dam Don being his gracious self even was able to sign that guy’s book. I know because he came back with it in tote and pestered me with more technology bullshit for another half an hour before getting a phone call and leaving without making a purchase.

All and all it was a cool thing to be a part of. I’ve always been one who loves to observe exactly how us as Americans, or even the funny people on vacation from Manchester, England that left with books, react to celebs and situations. It didn’t really do much for my sales endeavors due to the fact that people were there for the Don and actually had to be diverted away from my location if they planned on actually coming there for shopping. There were a lot of those people too who had no idea that Donald Trump was going to be there. I can only imagine the chaos that might have ensued if they had actually advertised this thing a little.

One his way out the door Mr. Trump gave a wave to the kiosk, whether it was at me or at another employee is something that is under dispute currently. Readers of this blog though know who the wave was aimed at I’m sure. The Don then got into his waiting Maybach and floated away off to do hoodrat things with his friends or something like that.

Here’s to you Mr. Trump for bringing a little excitement to what might have been just another dreary old Saturday on Northlake in Lake Park. Come back anytime, but next time why don’t we talk some business. I know you’d be amazed at some of the deals that I could swing for you. I’d love to show you the real Art of the deal. Stop on by Mr. Trump, I got you anytime!

In case you missed it, and considering the teams playing you probably did yesterday afternoon a knife wielding intruder stormed onto the court at the Staples Center and had to be subdued. This piece of action happened before the Los Angeles Clippers and Cleveland Cavaliers got together for what was sure to be an epic contest.

The man was eventually brought down in a “hail” of rubber bullet fire after a 20 minute standoff. There has been no word so far on what exactly the man’s intentions or demands were, but there is no doubt that the man was crazy. He obviously wasn’t simply craving attention, because if he wanted that the local Starbucks probably would’ve been a more appropriate location than a Clippers game. Let alone a Clippers game against that team that Lebron James used to play for. I challenge the casual fan, or even the not so casual, to name two starters on the Cavs right now, Go! See, told ya you couldn’t do it.

Now authorities did say that the man didn’t have a ticket for the game. Rather he used the knife and threats of violence to bully his way into the arena through the employee entrance. This was probably a good choice of entrance on his part, because no minimum wage snack bar worker is going to try and be a hero like those big shots upstairs might attempt.

When the man got to the court, the only person he found out there was Cavaliers rookie forward Christian Eyenga. Eyenga, who is from the Congo, quickly rushed back to the locker room as soon as he spotted the man. Now Eyenga barely speaks English, but still knew enough to spot crazy. Cavaliers coach Byron Scott said of Eyenga, “Smart man, he understands knife, I guess. I think that goes all the way to Congo. Knife means get the hell out. So he did the right thing.”

Now the game ended up carrying on with little incident besides the start time being pushed back 15 minutes. The Clippers ended up winning the game 100 to 92, but of course all anyway was talking about was the psycho with the knife. So much so that it actually made the Clippers vs Cavs a relevant subject on Sportscenter this morning.

Now I’m not coming right out and saying it, but maybe the whole thing was publicity stunt by the Clippers management. They’ve ridden the Blake Griffin thing for as much as they can, but eventually you gotta start thinking outside of the box a little bit to get yourself noticed. Unfortunately this just leads to a seemingly never ending parade of things you have to do to top yourself. Maybe next week we have a guy with a gun, maybe then a bomb threat outside the Staples that forces everyone to remain inside. Of course this incident could always work for a little bit more somewhere down the road. Maybe a rubber knife day. Free rubber knifes to the first 1,000 kids to commemorate the incident.

However you dice it there is one thing that can now be said for the first time in at least my history. Yesterday’s Cavaliers vs Clippers game was the most exciting NBA game of the day yesterday. Los Angeles might still be a Lakers town, but they can have their good basketball, the Clippers are gonna steal our hearts with craziness. America is a sucker for crazy.

Its not often that a player from a smaller school really becomes must see TV in the college basketball world. Much less from a Mormon college, and even rarer for that to carry into the country’s prison system. That however is exactly what has happened in the case of Jimmer Fredette from BYU.

If you don’t know who Jimmer is by now, yes he can go by a one word name like Prince, you obviously aren’t even a casual basketball fan. Fredette has been lighting up the college basketball world for the last couple years now and in this his final year its reached an almost fever pitch. Jimmer pours in points from anywhere on the court. He often hoists up shots that would make even the NBA 3 point line blush, and nails them.

Just last week another player of the year candidate, Kemba Walker from UConn, put in a magnificent game during the Big East tournament. Walker lit it up for 31 points and it surely seemed destined to be the performance of the day. That was until Jimmer stepped on the court later that night against New Mexico and scored 33 points….. in the first half. He would go on to pour in a career high 52 points that night and seems to just keep getting better and better.

This year’s NCAA tourney is set to be a big stage that Jimmer could use to further cement himself in college football lore. These hopes did seem to take a big hit though a few weeks ago when the extremely rule heavy BYU kicked 2nd leading scorer and leading rebounder Brandon Davies off the team. This happened because Davies was determined to have violated the school’s archaic “honor code”. What was his mortal sin to necessitate such a heavy reaction you might ask? The troubled Mr. Davies had the weak moral character to have consensual sex with his girlfriend, oh the horror. Of course even if they are bounced this year, Mr. Fredette already cemented himself in my book last year when he poured in 37 points, including 2 killer 3′s in double OT, to lead BYU over my beloved Florida Gators.

What I wanted to talk about today though was an interesting story by Jeff Eisenberg of Rivals.com entitled “Jimmermania has Even Reached the New York Prison System”. This story talks about how prison life seems to stop at a correctional facility in Wilton, NY whenever a BYU game happens to be on national TV. It might seem odd that a prison in upstate New York is so drawn to a player from a heavily religious college in Utah, that is until you delve into the rich history between the two.

Jimmer himself is from the area of the prison having been born and growing up in Glen Falls, NY. A town I had only heard of from my swept under the rug hippie days, as where Phish started their Halloween covering an album tradition with an masterful set of The Beatles White Album. This geographically tie though is not nearly enough for crimnals serving time to carry about some local player. Nope, these miscreants feel a much more personal tie.

Back in the Spring of 2007, Jimmer and his older brother joined a team of civilians that went into the prison to actually play games against the inmates. No doubt this had something to do with not only the mental, but the physical toughness that Fredette displays out there on the court. The fact that he was willing to go in there and take on that challenge earned him the respect of the inmates at Mount McGregor Correctional Facility.

According to Mount McGregor Recreational Director John Montgomery, the players can’t get enough of Jimmer. He says “The inmates vote on what they want to watch on TV each week, and of course, they want to watch Jimmer, if BYU’s on our local television, every dorm will have the game on. Every inmate will want to watch. They do have that connection to him. They think, ‘God, he was up here playing against us.”

Fredette of course vividly remembers his experiences playing at the prison. Everything from the armed guards standing around for protection, to the big mountain of liability paperwork he had to fill out, to the extreme by any standards trash talking he had to put up with. According to Fredette the experience was a great help to his game. “Obviously there are a lot more people in big arenas in college, but what they say to you doesn’t bother you because I heard pretty much everything in those prisons,” Fredette said. “I think that helped me get better at blocking the crowd out and just focusing on the game.”

While Jimmer hasn’t returned to the prison to play, his brother still goes occasionally and deals with a constant barrage of questions about how his little brother is doing. The inmates seem to be enthralled with the kid with the great shooting touch that wasn’t scared to enter their world. So while your sitting on your comfortable couch at home watching Jimmer put on the inevitable show later this week that has to be coming, just know that up in Wilton, NY there are cell blocks full of criminals cheering even louder for the silky smooth white kid from that Mormon college in Utah.

When I was a little kid, one of my favorite cartoons was The Smurfs. I think everyone anywhere near my age would have to agree. The Smurfs might have been THE dominant cartoon franchise of that time. I watch cartoons now and they are just insane. I mean Spongebob Squarepants is so out there and wacky that I’m surprised we aren’t raising generations of lunatic fringe group recruits. The Smurfs on the other hand was sensible and taught good lessons, albeit in a fantastical setting and context. One thing though you couldn’t argue with is that the system worked.

That’s one of the reasons I’ve been so put off by all the information that I’ve gathered about The Smurfs movie that’s coming out. If you’ve yet to see anything about the film, slated for an August 2011 release, count yourself lucky. The only thing that seems to be similar when compared to the cartoon might be the fact that yes this are small light blue colored creatures.

The film is a CGI/live-action hybrid film, which means that computer generated graphics are interacting with live actors and real places. This has been done many times before, but I’ve never seen it look as odd as this. You can check out the official teaser video here, but be prepared to be a little creeped out.

The basic premise of the movie is that the Smurfs tormentor the evil wizard Gargamel, played by Hank Azaria, discovers the Smurfs village and chases them into the woods. Some of the Smurfs seek refuge in a forbidden grotto and are transported to modern day New York City. There the Smurfs take up residence with a married couple, played by Neil Patrick Harris and Jayma Mays. Then of course they are in a desperate attempt to return to their village before Gargamel can track them down.

Now I know why they went out and made this film since reviving old cartoons seems to be a goldmine. The Smurfs name alone can sell massive amounts of tickets and the merchandising for this sort of thing is insane. The amount of different toys and stuffed animals alone they will sell for each different Smurf is going to be quite a tidy sum.

The cast of animated voices is quite eclectic, which is something that I can always get along with. The voices range from Jonathan Winters to George Lopez to Jeff Foxworthy to Wolfgang Puck to Paul Ruebens to Katy Perry. They seem to have covered almost every base in that department.

Yet, should they have made this film. Kids today might enjoy it, but I feel pretty confident that people that remember the original Smurfs are going to be cringing throughout the entire film. It seems a shame to go and ruin a classic no matter how much money it might bring in. I think this film is going to be a perfect example of the insane greed that’s overtaken Hollywood in the last decade or so. How many classic things are we going to willing let be butchered. Until the public stands up and stops eating up these disgraceful retreads, Hollywood is going to keep on making them. We have to change before they will. At least I think we still have a conscience.

Every day it seems the possibility of a Donald Trump run for the presidency of the United States in 2012 is becoming more and more of a distinct possibility. Yes, that Donald Trump. He of the horrible comb over and the over hashed theatrics of The Apprentice, could very well be the next President of the United States.

Now I’ve always been I guess you could say a fan of Mr. Trump. The guy spends time in Palm Beach where I grew up and even came down and took pictures with me and my friends at Mar-a-Lago before our senior prom in High School. A night seemingly where everybody ends up getting laid, except for me of course because I proceeded to get drunk and basically be non functional. Thinking of the money I wasted on that dam Navigator limo and Valentino tux I only wore  one other time still pisses me off, but that’s a whole other blog post for another time. Back to our friend the Donald.

While its still early in the game for the 2012 election it seems obvious at this point that Mr. Trump will be running for President. An article in the Huffington Post today entitled “Donald Trump Postive Rating Higher Than That Of Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty” even points out that at this point the Donald is the favorite over these much more seasoned politicians. This to me is simply crazy. I mean sure Mr. Trump is well known around the country, but the guy has absolutely zero experience at all politics wise. He’s known as being a great businessman, but even that is somewhat of a farce. He basically just knows how to make money when you have money, and that really doesn’t take too much of a genius in my book. Last night a good friend of mine was telling me how if Mr. Trump had just taken the money he inherited and put it with a financial planner rather than manage it himself he would have been worth about 9X what he is worth right now. Now this friend of mine is an Eastern European drug addict who was stuffing hot wings into his mouth at the time, but I still have complete faith in his statistics.

Now granted there would be some benefits to having Donald Trump as our next President. I’m sure Saturday Night Live would have a field day with that one. There would be a skit involving the President on basically every week I can guarantee. Whatever one of the cast is lucky enough to land that gig will sure be loving the notoriety. Even if Trump simply is in the running we should get quite a run out of that. The Daily Show too, I’m sure their licking their chops. Yet, while we’re laughing at our President, which is acceptable, I don’t think we need the other countries laughing at us. While Donald may command respect to his face, he certainly already gets snickers behind his back. I know I for one don’t want those dam French jackasses making fun of our President.

Another benefit to having Mr. Trump would be the hottest first daughter in the history of the White House. What can I say Ivanka has it going on and I think she would be wonderful in that department. While they both did get a Wharton Business School education, Ivanka just seems to me to have more going on upstairs than her daddy. Then again I always tend to give leggy blondes the benefit of the doubt so I might be being a little bit unfair here. Donald’s current wife Melanie would probably being the hottest first lady in the history of the White House as well, what can you say about that one except chicks dig dude’s with money.

While he might be the favorite to get the Republican nomination at this point. Its obvious that 2012 is not really looking all that good for the Republicans at this point. That’s probably the reason that so few people have announced any intention to run. People it seems are hesitant to even announce that their thinking about throwing their hats in the ring. It would probably take a major meltdown, Charlie Sheenesque perhaps, for President Obama to not get reelected in 2012 in my book. However, if his sentiment does fall so much in the next year and a half, look out. If people are looking for a change from Obama, then Trump is about as far towards the other spectrum as you can get. While Obama might not be very high up in the running for the blackest man in the country, I think Trump could be a serious contender for the title of whitest man in the country. He might even give Wayne Brady a run for his money in that race.

Mr. Trump has never been one to shy away from publicity so I’m pretty confident that his decision to formally announce his candidacy is merely a formality at this point. He did purchase a Boeing 757 the other day, cause that 737 he already had is just sooooooo last week, which seems a likely move for the travel he intends on doing while campaigning. I’d look for him to try and milk the announcement for everything its worth and boost the ratings for his upcoming Celebrity Apprentice show. Whether its a good idea or not is a trickier question. Good idea for him I’d probably say so. The publicity alone makes it worthwhile in his book. Good for the United States, that’s where I’d have to bring my good buddy Lee Corso in to say “not so fast my friend”.

So it’s been almost a year since I’ve written anything on here and for that I apologize. My life has been kinda a mess and when I’m not right my writing usually slacks. Things are getting back centered now and to commemorate this achievement I decided to write about a fellow who’s year has been kinda similar to mine, everyone’s current guilty pleasure Mr. Charlie Sheen.

Now unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past couple months, your well aware of Mr. Sheen’s current situation. I mean I swear the other morning I turned on the TV and he must have been on 6 different channels at the same time. I don’t even think the President’s State of the Union address gets that kinda coverage. Let’s face it, Charlie Sheen is hot as fire right now. I think even the Dos Equis guy would agree at this point that Charlie Sheen is actually the real most interesting man in the world. The more amazing part is he’s this scalding for basically being out of his mind. Now normally the whole American phenomenon of loving to watch train wrecks leads to a fairly short lived period of fascination, Sheen’s however is showing remarkable staying power. Just last night Dateline NBC devoted an entire episode to the people’s favorite raving lunatic.

Charlie Sheen has captured the heart of this country. Lots of people love him, lots of people hate him, but one thing you can be sure of is that hardly anyone is indifferent towards him. The other day I went over to visit my great grandmother and there was Charlie Sheen on the TV in her room. Now this woman is 96 years old and doesn’t even speak English. No worries though, our good friends at Univision had her covered.

Now this is a guy were talking about here who already had the most popular sitcom on television and his popularity is increasing everyday. Yet those executives at CBS decided to pull the plug on that show, at least for this season. Sheen of course did not take that lightly and has embarked on an epic media blitz denouncing both CBS and the show’s creator Chuck Lorre (or the “earthworm” or “maggot” as Charlie lovingly refers to him). CBS faced with all this negative publicity has caved in a little to Mr. Sheen’s demands agreeing to pay the crew for 4 of the remaining 8 episodes, but the station is mostly sticking to its guns. This to me seems inconceivable. Can you possibly imagine the ratings a new episode of Two and a Half Men would get right now, I mean we could be talking Super Bowl like numbers.

The real question here is how long can Charlie keep on the front page and first news segments? I think that the time is coming for him to crank it up a notch here. Now I know that he only has one gear, GO, but there has to be different levels of go. This popularity can not keep up at the ridiculous pace its on right now. While he was the star of the #1 show on television, Mr. Sheen didn’t even have a Twitter account. Last week he decided to start one and had over 1 million followers the very first day. That was a record growth pace for Twitter that even President Obama didn’t have when he started his account. As one of my good friends always says “It’s way better to have a million friends than a million dollars”.

My advice to Charlie is to embark on a one man show tour across this country. He could sell out arenas in every major city and in every big college town. People would be lined up right now to listen to Charlie just do what he does live. The merchandise sales alone would be staggering. Having lived in Gainesville, I know that he could pack the O’Connell Center no problem. The University also couldn’t have any problem with him being there, because after all Mr. Sheen’s is not on drugs and has the tests to prove it. He has personally validated my long standing claim that you don’t have to keep doing drugs to keep your crazy.

I could also guarantee that the next day at class everyone would be walking around with shirts emblazoned with any of the vast multitude of new catchphrases that Mr. Sheen was injected into the fiber of America’s current being. “Winning” shirts would be flying off the racks. “Tiger Blood” hats would be covering up everything from dreads to bald spots across the country.

This tour would also give Sheen a platform to crank up the pressure on CBS even more. Imagine if he got up before a packed crowd of drunken college students and told them “Now when you guys go back to your dorms tonight, I want you to e-mail the President of CBS and tell him what a jackass he is for taking my epic show off the air; and here’s his personal e-mail address”. Hopefully CBS server is big enough to handle the flood of e-mails that would result in that, one thing’s for sure it would be dam hard to ignore.

Now obviously Mr. Sheen doesn’t need anybody to tell him how to get publicity, he basically just has to be his crazy self, but I think this would not only make him a ton of money but also force CBS to have to cave into this mega star and whatever he demanded. Think about Charlie. I could be on a plane out to the Sober Valley Lodge by the end of the day. I’ll even bring my own two goddesses……. well, as soon as one gets out of rehab and the other can sober up long enough to get on a plane.

This past Saturday in Newark, NJ (affectionately known as the Brick City by some people I know) Georges St. Pierre, the welterweight champion, took on Englishman Dan Hardy as the main event of UFC 111. There was a whole lot of buildup to this fight and a few left disappointed by the dominant performance that St. Pierre put on to beat Hardy by a unanimous decision. However, I think things are not nearly as simple as they seem.

Like an ever increasing number of people around this country, I plucked down my $44.95 on Saturday night and sat down with some friends to enjoy an exciting night of high intensity UFC action. Sure, St. Pierre went out and dominated Hardy, pretty much as I expected him to do but the exact manner of the fight was something that I don’t think a lot of people expected. Dan Hardy showed a tremendous amount of heart and determination and I think the long term benefits of this loss are going to be tremendous for him.

Before the fight on Saturday I think it was a very safe bet to say that most people didn’t like Dan Hardy. He’s an easy guy not to like. He’s brash, arrogant, and English; that’s 3 strikes against him for most people. With his trademark red mohawk and red contact lenses he’s like the Dennis Rodman of UFC, except without the teddy bear like quality that Rodman possesses. With Hardy its either you love him, or you hate him. Its also a safe bet that a whole lot more people were on the hate side of that equation.

For his walk in Hardy goes with the song “England Belongs to Me” by the British punk band Cock Sparrer. It’s a good choice I think, but the song itself simply wasn’t enough for Mr. Hardy. He chose to have the band rerecord the song with him in it accompanying them on vocals. That just epitomizes Dan Hardy to a T, always looking for something extra. His walk in was met by loud cheers from his loyal supporters as well as a smattering of boos by his less vocal detractors.

Hardy did indeed get dominated by St. Pierre, after all St. Pierre is arguably either the best or the 2^nd best pound for pound fighter going in the UFC right now. The other would have to be Anderson Silva and I of course would give my left nut to see either of them change weight classes to fight the other, that fight would be epic. Hardy though refused to give up in the fight. It looked like St. Pierre had him multiple times, yet Hardy refused to tap out. After the fight Hardy would say that the word tap isn’t even a part of his vocabulary. It looked at times that St. Pierre was about to break the Englishman’s arm, and I’m convinced that’s what it would’ve taken to stop this fight. That arm though would not break.

When people think of cocky arrogant people, the idea of heart never really comes up much in the conversation. However in Hardy’s case its all anyone was talking about after the fight. St. Pierre may have totally dominated the fight, but post fight everyone was talking about Dan Hardy’s performance.

This is going to go a long way for Hardy I think. He gained a whole lot of both respect and fans with his performance on Saturday night. The fans he gained were people that had been some of his biggest detractors before the fight. Sure Hardy’s ego may have taken an initial blow from the loss, but he’s certainly going to emerge a stronger more dedicated fighter from it. I think when we look to this fight in the future were going to see it as the turning point in Dan Hardy’s career. He gained more from this loss than the 7 consecutive wins he had going into it.

St. Pierre may have given Hardy a technical lesson out there in the octagon, but the long term benefits of this loss are going to be priceless to Mr. Hardy. Not only did he sway public opinion about him, but he also has in his mind the fact that he refused to give up when the going got tough. I don’t think there is anyone out there that’s ever going to have Dan Hardy in worse positions than he was in Saturday night. There is no way that UFC commissioner Dana White could not have been impressed.

So, keep your eye on Dan Hardy, one thing that’s for certain is that he will be back and he’ll be stronger and even more committed. That’s certainly a dangerous thing and I don’t think anyone is going to want to be the man standing in Dan Hardy’s way next time. I would not be surprised to see Dan Hardy as the welterweight champion two years from now. One things for certain, no one can question his heart.

Well it certainly has been awhile since my last post on here, but I can assure you that I am very much still alive. It’s just been a hectic last couple months. I’ve been emotionally, physically, and creatively spent, but am hoping to get back on this horse and ensure that my loyal readers yes both of you, get their Go Sell Crazy fix.

Today I went out on my most recent in a long line of money making ideas; I call them that although some might use the word schemes. The latest plan was that I figured that knowing a lot about books I could prey on the unsuspecting people and find first editions at yard sales around town which I could later sell on the internet for some big money. My dream was to find some poor unsuspecting little old ladies or people not thinking clearly due to having to deal with the grief of their loved one having recently passed away and leaving them scrambling for money for the burial. If I could only find some great people like this to prey on I figured I’d be set.

So I browsed through Craigslist and found some yard sales in the area and set off at the crack of dawn with my GPS and a pocketful of cash hoping to turn it into even bigger pockets full of more cash. I said a prayer of course asking God to help me guide me in my quest to rid these pathetic saps of the goldmines their sitting on. My roommate decided to accompany me on this great journey, although he used the term “treasure hunting” which it turned out would be very sarcastically prophetic.

Unfortunately, things did not go exactly according to plan. It turns out that when people are having yard sales the majority of shit their selling is just complete garbage. Now you might find some nice furniture or something like that, but all the smaller items are just pure and simple junk. They did have some books, but the kinds of people throwing these sales are not exactly what we call the literary elite. The books they had were complete garbage. The mission was an utter failure.

I ended up going to about 8 different garage sales, and made one purchase. I am happy with my purchase, but it was not a literary masterpiece or even a book. The one item, or shall I say items, that tickled my fancy was seasons 2 and 3 of The Simple Life on DVD with my #1 girl Paris Hilton. The lady was looking for 2 bucks a piece for them, but I managed to walk away with both for a measly dollar. A killer score that I was able to procure due to my amazing negotiating skills. I knew that degree from UF had to be good for something. It is worth noting that she had season 1 as well, but I already had that one.

There also was one really hot chick running a yard sale. She was a brunette which was strike #1, but she had on a really short skirt with nice tits showing plenty of cleavage and these beautiful green eyes. Strike #2 was the fact that she was a big time dyke. I came to that determination based on the fact that she wasn’t all over me like most girls are.

For those who don’t know the term yard sale, comes from the Latin yardisius saliunium, which stands for a bunch of people trying to get beer money by unloading their junk on other people. I even have the sneaking suspicion that before somebody has a yard sale they go around to other yard sales to find stuff to sell. So in essence the same junk just circulates around from yard sale to yard sale.

At the mission debriefing after I got home, I had to chalk it up as basically a failure. Although I still think there is money to be made fleecing out stupid people from the stuff they don’t know is worth money. Alas, today it did not come to fruition. There will be a next time though, and hopefully God will put some idiots out there for me to exploit. At least I’ll be praying for it.

If you have your finger anywhere near the pulse that emanates around this country known as pop culture, you have indeed as least become somewhat familiar with a little jewel known as “Jersey Shore”. Now I’m not referring directly to that shithole part of the country, but rather the MTV show that lets the rest of us revel in the utter stupidity and “personality” of its brief inhabitants.

I use the term brief inhabitants to refer to the people on the show because I’ve conversed with some people from New Jersey and they have managed to convince me that these are not actual New Jerseyites, but rather people that infiltrate the area from New York. Based on the show this is indeed fact, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to make fun of New Jersey based on their actions.

For those who are out of the loop, and even my 89 year old grandfather is not counted among those, the new episodes of the show are on Thursdays at 10:00pm EST on MTV. The show is based on a group of people that are given the chance to live in a great house in Seaside Heights, NJ for the summer as long as they agree to work at a T-shirt shop part of the time. The house that their living in is actually the owner of the shop’s home that he has given up for the show. If the time slot is at an inconvenient time for you there is no need to worry as with any other MTV show it is on countless other times during the course of the week. Trust me, once you watch it you will fall in love with it.

The people in it are just so ridiculous that you can not turn away. I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who feels this way by a mere glance at my Facebook page whenever the show is on. Two of the characters “The Situation” and “Snooki” were even on The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien the other night.

The whole nickname thing is one of the most interesting parts of the show. Its gotten so big even that there is an internet site where you can type in your own name and they’ll give you a Jersey Shore nickname. The site is kinda stupid because it just randomly gives you a name out of its list, if you keep typing in your name you’ll get a different one each time. Its cool to do once though.

The person with the most famous nickname on the show is of course Mike, who goes by “The Situation”. You might be wondering where that nickname has originated from and let me just tell you that it refers to his abs. This guy is so full of himself it’s amazing. Everyone on the show is full of themselves but “The Situation” takes it to a whole different level. Well someone like Pauly D’s arrogance might be given a rating of 3.5 fistpumps, only “The Situation’s” ego is a true 5 fistpumps.

The Situation tries to play himself off as this total playboy who’s just out to conquer the Jersey Shore by slaying every chick there. Rather I should say giving them the pleasure of sleeping with him since every girl on the face of the earth can be nothing but madly in love with the Situation; but he’s just completely full of shit. He totally fell for another girl on the show, Sammi, and then she blew him off for someone else and he got so hurt and jealous. The Situation actually is a big softie and his whole image is a joke. Face it Situation, your cover is blown.

I must say that my favorite character on the show is “Jwoww”. This girl really just does it for me for what reasons I don’t really know. Actually it’s mostly her amazing tits, but I also really love her hair. She has the sort of hair where she spends a whole lot of time making it look like she spends no time at all on it. Now when I say she spends a lot of time on it, she doesn’t spend nearly as much time as someone like Pauly D. Jwoww though is sexy and she knows it. It’s partly that confidence that makes her so attractive to me. She also claims to have this boyfriend who she’s madly in love with, and she is when she’s on the phone with him. Throw a couple drinks in that bod though and all thoughts of a boyfriend go out the window. So holla at me baby if you make it down to Florida, you won’t be thinking of him for very long. Could I handle Jwoww, that I’m not sure of, but I do know that I’d love to try.

The people on this show must know that the entire country is laughing at them, but its not entirely impossible that they are so out of touch with reality that they think they are simply loved. They are getting publicly though and that’s what they are looking for. I’m sure their at least making a little bit of cash of the show as well; who knows it might even be enough to pay off their lip gloss and steroids bills.