I wrote a post in this vein for another site that I write for Cyber-M. That post also had this title, but when published they had amended it to “What’s Wrong with IPhone Customers?” While I understand where they are coming from in not wanting to alienating a large portion of their audience, it’s a site optimized for phones, I could also argue that the people who hate you are more loyal readers than the people who love you. It is also worth noting that I had already toned the nature of the article down a whole lot for optimization for their target audience. On this blog there are no such restrictions, guidelines or punches that need to be held back. So here I give to you my original vision. Enjoy.
At some point in time a line was drawn in the sand and people were forced to decide whether they were Apple people or Android people. There was no singular event that this can be traced back to, but the line is certainly there and it is certainly real. You were either with us or you were against us, and if you were against us you could go get fucked.
Changing teams is certainly an option that is available and either side will welcome converts with open arms. However, once you have decided to leave one side, you will never be welcomed back. They will let you back of course, because it’s all about money in the long run, but you will never be regarded as a full-fledged member and supporter. In a perfect world everyone could get along regardless of choice of technology, but fantasy land is about a 4 hour drive up the road from here.
I feel that I can often tell if somebody is an Apple or Android person before they even take their phone out of their pocket, and if I can’t it means they are one of the wishy-washy crew who could jump ship at any time. It’s almost as if a person’s entire character and personality can be summed up by their choice of a smartphone. Of course Android is the appropriate and better side to be on, and let me tell you why iPhone people suck.
The #1 reason is their constant pretentious use of the brand name. This is certainly the most annoying characteristic of an Apple user, and it’s 100% universal across the board with them. An Apple person would never say “sorry, I left my phone in the house,” an Apple person always says “sorry, I left my iPhone in the house.” This is super annoying and why does the brand name have to be mentioned in this manner. For a comparison of pretentious level compare “I need to go get my car washed,” with “I need to get my Mercedes washed.” That should make it obvious to anyone.
I could understand maybe if you had a Maybach or something, but it’s not like this is some elite level phone we are talking about here. It’s a fact that basically all top-level smartphones are priced pretty much the exact same across the board, where we get in differences is in the lower level phones. There are times when the iPhone could arguably be the best phone on the market, but that is short-lived if ever. The sad rule of thumb in the smartphone world is that whatever the latest phone to come out is usually the best one. All you have to do is look at PhoneDog’s expert rankings and this is obvious, the rankings are like a list of release dates pretty much. The iPhone has never been Maybach level elite, and that’s what it would take to make this brand name use acceptable.
Another rung on the annoyance factor is the ridiculous comparisons that iPhone people make when comparing their phone to another phone. Apple makes one phone with a new version coming out pretty much every year, that’s the only phone that utilizes that operating system. Android on the other hand is on tons of phones from tons of different companies. The range of Android devices range from complete and utter crap for poor people, to top-level best phone in the world material. By doing this Android offers a wide range of options to fit every segment of the market, and this is the reason they have the majority of the market. Yet when an Apple person compares their iPhone to an Android they never do it against a top of the line one. An Apple person will tell you “I tried the Droid one time, and it was terrible.” What these idiots leave out is that the phone they are calling “the Droid”, was a ZTE phone from MetroPCS.
Facts are certainly something that an Apple person has no use for. They live in their own little world and are oblivious to anything else that is going on. In 2013, Android accounted for 79% of the global smartphone market. That means that out of 990 million smartphones shipped globally, Android was the operating system on 781 million of them. Apple’s IOS on the other hand was on 153 million devices, good for a 16% market share. Yet when shown these statistics there is not a single Apple person that believes them. They insist that everyone they know has an iPhone. I chalk this up to the self-centered nature of iPhone people, being so focused on yourself it’s impossible to notice what other people are using. Yet the fact that idiots tend to take comfort with other idiots and the fact that non free thinkers of course want to be with more of their sheep to follow, could also play big roles in this.
Now I will say that a lot of Android’s market share is in the less affluent parts of the world and country due to their vast array of options available on the cheaper side of things. Apple in fact recognizes that as this past year they put out a two different models. The iPhone 5c is their attempt to break into the lower tier smartphone market, and I think that’s a good business move on their part as there is a lot of money to be made there. Also notice that they put out the iPhone 5c in a wide variety of bright colors. I can imagine them sitting around the board table in Cupertino with some old guy sparking the great idea that poorer people tend to like brightly colored things.
I would say that in my personal circle, it is not 79% to 16% gap in Android vs iPhone, it’s probably very much a 50-50 split. This is probably do to the fact that I live in South Florida, which I love but is not exactly known as the most free thinking area of the country. People around here skew much more to the sheep side of things in everything. In my family in fact the majority of people who have smartphones do have Apples. While I love them with all my heart though and know they would always be there for me, I would not classify my family as especially tech savvy people though. In fact, the most tech savvy person in it, besides myself of course, is the one that does not have an iPhone.
Apple people are also under the disbelief that all sorts of things are iPhone exclusive features. This one is also up there in the annoyance scale, and also indicative of the disassociation with the world of reality. I’ve been told that iPhones are the only phones that can do group messaging, blatantly untrue. Apple people are under the belief that the iPhone 5S of this past year invented the fingerprint sensor, yet the Motorola Atrix had one back in March of 2011. There are countless applications too that iPhone people are shocked that Android has the same one. I’ve even been accused of hacking an Apple application by simply downloading it from the Google Play Store.
While there are certainly apps that appear first on iPhone before making their way over to Android, this is simply due to how much easier it is to write an app for Apple. Any app developer will agree that this is the case. The reason is because when you develop an Apple app you only have to make it work on one single model of phone. An Android app though has to function and display properly over 100s of models of phones that have plenty of differences. If your Android app doesn’t cross across all those seamlessly without kinks, you will of course be murdered in the comment section of the Play Store. For those reasons it is cheaper and easier for a developer to roll out an app to the Apple, wait and see if it’s a success before trying to modify it to fit all those different Android phones.
This last reason is perhaps the most visible and moronic display of the Apple folks, the standing in line on launch day. This is an insane ridiculous practice that has become totally associated with iPhone users. Whenever the launch day comes for the next version of the iPhone the people start showing up to stand in line waiting. This never happens with Android because people have more important things to do than standing in line for hours. Android users have things like jobs, commitments, and family that tend to get in the way. What does this standing in line actually get the iPhone user anyway? A phone that is pretty much exactly the same as the one that your holding in your hand already, and a day or two before you could just walk in and be out with one in 5 minutes. Samsung of course has mocked this idiocy in some memorable ads, but the people still do it even when it’s not necessary. I know less moronic Apple people who walked into a store the afternoon of launch day and walked out with a phone perfectly fine without camping out at the store. Get a life people!
I will end by saying that I do not hate Apple people, in fact a lot of my best friends and previously mentioned family are on iPhones. I might chastise you and bust your balls over your choice of phone, but in the end it’s certainly not the most important factor. There are a whole lot of other ways you can let your awesome personality outshine your deficiencies when it comes to operating system choice. If you are an attractive girl then it in fact trumps this right from the get go. In fact one of my favorite girls not only has an iPhone, but also vapes which I find equally insufferable. Yet, she is so awesome in all other facets that it makes these things seem like minor annoyances. So if you happen to have an iPhone sitting in your pocket right now and are still madly in love with me, don’t feel the need to end it now, there is still hope.