Right now I’ve got a little bit of a cold. Its nothing serious just a little congestion with a cough. As with any problem I know have to decide what my options are and how to attack this invisible menace. Back in the day I found that Oxycontin was very good at dealing with the common cold. Just take a couple and all your symptoms seem to go away. There’s really no time table on when to take more, I liked to go by my favorite physician’s orders of “take as necessary”.
Now that is no longer an option. Since I’ve been sober I found something that worked great was the Zicam Gel Swab. This basically consists of a q-tip in a tube filled with the gel Zicam and you wet the q-tip and then shove it up your nose. You rub it around in there and then after taking it out hold your nostril closed, and then repeat with the other nostril. This product was great on two fronts. First off it actually did a noticeable job in fighting a cold, and secondly it was great for a former cocaine addict because it had been so long since I shoved a drug up my nose. This time I’m actually putting something up there that’s good for me, how fantastic. I can’t wait till they come out with Zicam snort-able powder, that will be good shit.
Then something very bad happened a couple months ago. The makers of Zicam took the gel swabs off the market because of complaints that people who used them had lost their sense of smell. This is something that never happened to me, but I didn’t use them all the time. I imagine that these people that it happened too, must have been going through about 20 gel swabs a day. So typical of our country where a few nut jobs have to ruin the party for all of us.
Back to the present and I’m sitting here with still a half full box of the Zicam Gel Swabs, which I add are fairly expensive as a box costs like $15 bucks. I know that the Zicam will make me feel better, but its a recalled product. Do I dare be a rebel and use it anyway? That’s when it hit me of how ridiculous this all is. Here I am Mr. former heavy cocaine user and half gallon of bourbon a day drinker, worried about the possible ill effects of using a cold remedy. Its not the first time either, its like people lose their minds over these types of warnings, and don’t pay any mind to warnings about things that are a million times more serious. “Don’t smoke cigarettes, their proven to cause cancer”. Ah fuck that, by the time I’m old enough to get lung cancer their gonna have a cure for it. “Don’t use tanning beds, their also proven to cause cancer”. Whatever, just the risk I have to take to look this dam good. “Don’t drink or smoke while pregnant can cause horrible horrible things to happen to your baby”. All right, so I don’t have any experience in this one, but I know ladies cheat on it a little bit.
The same sort of thing also happened to me right around the same time as the Zicam recall, my Hydroxycut got recalled for causing damage to your liver. Hydroxycut was a workout/weight loss product that helped you to cut weight and burn more calories. I had been taking it for about 3 months, and I did notice that it was having an effect. Of course I went with the Hydroxycut Hardcore, cause if there’s a hardcore version of anything that’s the one that I’m going with no doubt. Then I found out about the liver damage, I immediately stopped taking it. This from the same guy who drank booze like it was going out of style all day every day, like that didn’t cause liver damage or something. I checked into rehab for the first time at age 26 and the doctor told me that I had the worst liver he’d ever seen on a 26 year old. I kinda took that as a badge of honor type compliment.
Now here’s Hydroxycut doing the same thing, and I instantly on hearing the news stop taking it. My roommate at the time, FEED STORE, says to me that he doesn’t give a fuck and he wants it. So I gave it to him and he said he’d throw me some cash that Friday when he got payed. Now I realize that I never got that money. FEED STORE has since moved out, but he’s still in town and doing well, in fact he came over yesterday. I am going to get that dam cash someday.
Its just crazy how certain warnings freak us out while those others we could care less about. Something as simple as wearing your seat belt which saves countless lives each and every year, I’d say isn’t done by about 50% of my friends. Yet tell people that a frozen dinner got recalled due to salmonella, and everyone is scared of it like its got the plague. Human beings are such crazy people. Fuck it, I’m taking the Zicam too, I’ve got balls of steel. EXTREME!!!!!!!!