Some qualities that one possesses just seem to be god given since birth. Its best not to question these qualities and just let them attempt to contribute to your life in the best possible manner. Speaking for myself, one such quality I possesses is my ability to instantly know the best route to take from one place to another.

Now by best route, you might concur that it would be the fastest way between two points. This would be correct most of the time, but there are other factors that can come into play. Things such as scenery and proximity to girls in bikini’s also play a component. It is true though that the key component to me is time. I’m seemingly always pressed for time, even when I have nothing to do. For me one of the major pros of excessive cocaine use, was all that extra time that it offers you. After all, time is money. Now I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself a successful cocaine user, but I did indeed get shit done. For example, all my DVD’s were in order by genre and alphabetized. This is no small feat when you consider that at its high point my DVD collection numbered somewhere around 1,000 movies. Its shrunk since then some do to selling of movies and some due to the fact that I had so many stolen by the thieving delinquents that reside in the type of residences I’ve frequented the past few years. I’m sure I’d be due some amends if any of those bastards ever managed to stay sober.

I must digress though, back to the route taking. I don’t know why God has planted this innate ability in me, but who am I to question God. The thing that angers me the most about this ability though is when other people question it. Anyone that’s hung around with me enough though, has seen it play itself out right before their eyes.

Now I do have GPS on my phone and will use it occasionally, but its really more of a tool to figure out where a certain address lies. Their routes are merely suggestions. There is no way a computer can take into account all the various intricacies that go into my determination of the best possible route. In this game of chess, Big Blue doesn’t stand a chance.

Sometimes the route taking ability just comes through experience, such as knowing that to attempt to go down I-95 in between 45st. and Belvedere between 4-6 is just ludicrous, you shouldn’t have to get cut in that crap more than twice to know that you can just shoot down Congress at about the exact same speed as a smooth running I-95. Its in fact visible from I-95. If your ever there sitting in a traffic jam, just take a glance to your East and you’ll see people cruising down Congress at 70mph in comfort.

Other times though its almost like a psychic ability. There have been times when its just popped into my head to avoid a certain road or intersection, only to have the traffic report come on the radio later saying to stay away from there, officers on scene.

I don’t even have to be familiar with the area, and that can be downright scary at some points. I remember being in Knoxville one year for a Gators game, (we won by the way on Gaffney’s late TD grab in the end zone, remember Vol fans possession in the end zone is different than the rest of the field. HAHA!) I had downed enough booze to kill a large Nigerian village and yet was still able to get us to the Waffle House before even the most intelligent Vol fan. My route taking ability was praised by all as we drunkenly smashed our country fried steaks into our mouths.

The question has now become, just how do I harness this power for good and not use it for evil like I’m tempted too with all my powers. This is a tough one, and really is just symbolic of an entire change in Frank culture that I’m attempting to enact. I’m always available to use this power to help others, I just need to be utilized. If anyone cares to ask me what the best route might be from point A to point B, please feel free and I will help you in anyway I can. That includes people I don’t even like, although if I don’t like you, your not even aware of it because I like to give off the impression that I love everyone when in fact I really only like about 8% of you people at the most.