I don’t know what it is about her. Maybe its those come hither eyes, her street smart dirty wit or that sky high blue beehive but some people out there must think Marge Simpson is sexy. The November issue of Playboy has the cartoon matriarch of the dysfunctional Simpson family as its cover girl, and all I can say is… What the Fuck!
I mean I know that Playboy isn’t exactly what you might call a jerk off mag, that right is reserved more for things like High Society or Hustler, but have they really started resorting to cartoon characters? Does this animated cartoon actually turn people on? God, I hope not. I can imagine maybe some fat dorky bastard, much like Comic Book Guy in the show, might be leering over it but the rest of America can’t possibly like this sort of thing.
I give major props to Hugh Hefner for most anything. I mean the guy is like one of my idols and easily in the top 5 of my greatest men of all-time list. I mean here he is at 83 years old and he spends his days lounging around in a bathrobe and his nights sleeping with his girlfriends. Much like me too, Hef is a blonde man and I totally respect that. The first sign of his old age creeping up on him came in recent years when he cut his number of girlfriends down from 8 to 3. The guy is after all 83 years old, but here I am in my sexual prime and I got my hands full with 2 so he still gets mad props.
This Marge Simpson cover thing though has me worrying about ol’ Hef. Has he finally begun to lose his mind. I know he still had to sign off on this thing, even if he’s not in charge of day to day operations at the magazine anymore I am definitely sure he has enough clout to put the kibash on something if he wants. So I implore you Hef, break out that ol’ kibash right now.
Has our society become so dork driven that the dorks are now the ruling class. I sure hope not. Now I know that Bill Gates has more money than entire countries, but he should still be getting stuffed in garbage cans, or at the very least having to pay off cool people to vouch for him so he doesn’t get his ass kicked. We can not allow the dorks to be in charge, that’s certainly not a country that I want to live in. Sure they can have their Star Wars and Comic Book conventions, but goddammit Playboy has to be ours.
So I implore the rest of you men out there to take a stand, and let this copy of the magazine slide on buy. This is not what we have come to expect out of a great literary product that has set the bar so high. I’ve found out that Tara Reid is going to be in an upcoming issue, so save your money and buy two of those instead. Coke addict, drunk, and blonde now that’s what I’m talking about, and that’s what I think America wants to see. Go moan in Klingon while jerking off to Marge Simpson if you want, but do me a favor and go do it in Canada.