Well it certainly has been awhile since my last post on here, but I can assure you that I am very much still alive. It’s just been a hectic last couple months. I’ve been emotionally, physically, and creatively spent, but am hoping to get back on this horse and ensure that my loyal readers yes both of you, get their Go Sell Crazy fix.

Today I went out on my most recent in a long line of money making ideas; I call them that although some might use the word schemes. The latest plan was that I figured that knowing a lot about books I could prey on the unsuspecting people and find first editions at yard sales around town which I could later sell on the internet for some big money. My dream was to find some poor unsuspecting little old ladies or people not thinking clearly due to having to deal with the grief of their loved one having recently passed away and leaving them scrambling for money for the burial. If I could only find some great people like this to prey on I figured I’d be set.

So I browsed through Craigslist and found some yard sales in the area and set off at the crack of dawn with my GPS and a pocketful of cash hoping to turn it into even bigger pockets full of more cash. I said a prayer of course asking God to help me guide me in my quest to rid these pathetic saps of the goldmines their sitting on. My roommate decided to accompany me on this great journey, although he used the term “treasure hunting” which it turned out would be very sarcastically prophetic.

Unfortunately, things did not go exactly according to plan. It turns out that when people are having yard sales the majority of shit their selling is just complete garbage. Now you might find some nice furniture or something like that, but all the smaller items are just pure and simple junk. They did have some books, but the kinds of people throwing these sales are not exactly what we call the literary elite. The books they had were complete garbage. The mission was an utter failure.

I ended up going to about 8 different garage sales, and made one purchase. I am happy with my purchase, but it was not a literary masterpiece or even a book. The one item, or shall I say items, that tickled my fancy was seasons 2 and 3 of The Simple Life on DVD with my #1 girl Paris Hilton. The lady was looking for 2 bucks a piece for them, but I managed to walk away with both for a measly dollar. A killer score that I was able to procure due to my amazing negotiating skills. I knew that degree from UF had to be good for something. It is worth noting that she had season 1 as well, but I already had that one.

There also was one really hot chick running a yard sale. She was a brunette which was strike #1, but she had on a really short skirt with nice tits showing plenty of cleavage and these beautiful green eyes. Strike #2 was the fact that she was a big time dyke. I came to that determination based on the fact that she wasn’t all over me like most girls are.

For those who don’t know the term yard sale, comes from the Latin yardisius saliunium, which stands for a bunch of people trying to get beer money by unloading their junk on other people. I even have the sneaking suspicion that before somebody has a yard sale they go around to other yard sales to find stuff to sell. So in essence the same junk just circulates around from yard sale to yard sale.

At the mission debriefing after I got home, I had to chalk it up as basically a failure. Although I still think there is money to be made fleecing out stupid people from the stuff they don’t know is worth money. Alas, today it did not come to fruition. There will be a next time though, and hopefully God will put some idiots out there for me to exploit. At least I’ll be praying for it.

If you have your finger anywhere near the pulse that emanates around this country known as pop culture, you have indeed as least become somewhat familiar with a little jewel known as “Jersey Shore”. Now I’m not referring directly to that shithole part of the country, but rather the MTV show that lets the rest of us revel in the utter stupidity and “personality” of its brief inhabitants.

I use the term brief inhabitants to refer to the people on the show because I’ve conversed with some people from New Jersey and they have managed to convince me that these are not actual New Jerseyites, but rather people that infiltrate the area from New York. Based on the show this is indeed fact, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to make fun of New Jersey based on their actions.

For those who are out of the loop, and even my 89 year old grandfather is not counted among those, the new episodes of the show are on Thursdays at 10:00pm EST on MTV. The show is based on a group of people that are given the chance to live in a great house in Seaside Heights, NJ for the summer as long as they agree to work at a T-shirt shop part of the time. The house that their living in is actually the owner of the shop’s home that he has given up for the show. If the time slot is at an inconvenient time for you there is no need to worry as with any other MTV show it is on countless other times during the course of the week. Trust me, once you watch it you will fall in love with it.

The people in it are just so ridiculous that you can not turn away. I know for a fact that I’m not the only one who feels this way by a mere glance at my Facebook page whenever the show is on. Two of the characters “The Situation” and “Snooki” were even on The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien the other night.

The whole nickname thing is one of the most interesting parts of the show. Its gotten so big even that there is an internet site where you can type in your own name and they’ll give you a Jersey Shore nickname. The site is kinda stupid because it just randomly gives you a name out of its list, if you keep typing in your name you’ll get a different one each time. Its cool to do once though.

The person with the most famous nickname on the show is of course Mike, who goes by “The Situation”. You might be wondering where that nickname has originated from and let me just tell you that it refers to his abs. This guy is so full of himself it’s amazing. Everyone on the show is full of themselves but “The Situation” takes it to a whole different level. Well someone like Pauly D’s arrogance might be given a rating of 3.5 fistpumps, only “The Situation’s” ego is a true 5 fistpumps.

The Situation tries to play himself off as this total playboy who’s just out to conquer the Jersey Shore by slaying every chick there. Rather I should say giving them the pleasure of sleeping with him since every girl on the face of the earth can be nothing but madly in love with the Situation; but he’s just completely full of shit. He totally fell for another girl on the show, Sammi, and then she blew him off for someone else and he got so hurt and jealous. The Situation actually is a big softie and his whole image is a joke. Face it Situation, your cover is blown.

I must say that my favorite character on the show is “Jwoww”. This girl really just does it for me for what reasons I don’t really know. Actually it’s mostly her amazing tits, but I also really love her hair. She has the sort of hair where she spends a whole lot of time making it look like she spends no time at all on it. Now when I say she spends a lot of time on it, she doesn’t spend nearly as much time as someone like Pauly D. Jwoww though is sexy and she knows it. It’s partly that confidence that makes her so attractive to me. She also claims to have this boyfriend who she’s madly in love with, and she is when she’s on the phone with him. Throw a couple drinks in that bod though and all thoughts of a boyfriend go out the window. So holla at me baby if you make it down to Florida, you won’t be thinking of him for very long. Could I handle Jwoww, that I’m not sure of, but I do know that I’d love to try.

The people on this show must know that the entire country is laughing at them, but its not entirely impossible that they are so out of touch with reality that they think they are simply loved. They are getting publicly though and that’s what they are looking for. I’m sure their at least making a little bit of cash of the show as well; who knows it might even be enough to pay off their lip gloss and steroids bills.

First off let me say that I’m a big supporter of the Space Shuttle program and would never think of bashing it in anyway. I’m not exactly sure what purpose it serves, but it is a really cool way of telling the rest of the world how bad ass we are. It’s like check that out motherfuckers, we shoot that shit into space. Some people might say the space program is just a big penis for our country, but I say the people saying that are from countries with small dicks.

Anyway, today from lovely Cape Canaveral right here in Florida we had another shuttle launch. Atlantis took off this afternoon at 2:28pm and had what was described as a “flawless launch”. This is one of the last space shuttle launches. If you have never been to one I’d suggest going as it really is something to experience. You might want to hurry too because there are only 5 more chances left before the space shuttle program is retired late next year.

The thing that I noticed though is that no one really seemed to care. Sure the article on the Palm Beach Post site said there was a nice crowd there and all, but it just seems like when I was a kid people used to get stoked about a shuttle launch a whole lot more. I remember being at school and they were letting everyone outside to see if we could catch a glimpse of it as it headed up through the skies. People used to get fuckin excited. Today I was at work and I mentioned it and no one even knew that it was launching.

Its as if our country has gotten so used to it that now even space travel can seem almost mundane. I guess that’s part of the reason that their calling it quits on the whole space shuttle program. Go back in time and think about why the space program even started in the first place. It was all just to prove that we were more bad ass than the Russians. We wanted our country to get excited about something and bask in the confidence of us kicking ass. The whole space program was purely an ego driven pissing contest. Now that aspect just doesn’t even exist anymore. People are getting bored with it so what real purpose does it serve. Its not like were bringing back the cure for cancer from space or anything like that. Its really just a gigantic waste of money when you come to think about it. Its kinda like when they ask people why they climb Mt. Everest and they answer “because it’s there man!!!”.

I used to dig the shuttle launches a whole lot when I was up in Gainesville for college too. I didn’t ever make the short trek over there for one during that time, but I sure did celebrate each and every one. Back then I looked for any excuse to throw a party. Not because I needed one, but because it helped out other people. I’m a drug addict and an alcoholic so it didn’t make any difference to me, but so called normal people want to have some reason or excuse to party. I’d be taking Patron shots on a Tuesday afternoon just because I was breathing, but to get a normal person to do it you have to come up with something. It just makes them feel better. Come on over we’re celebrating the shuttle launch worked great. It doesn’t matter if its a good reason or not. Girls however like to be celebrating something in order to do tequila shots on a Tuesday early afternoon.

I’ll be sad to see the space shuttles go when they finally send them out to pasture in September of next year. Its going to be interesting to see what they do with them. How bad ass would it be to get one and live in it. Talk about the envy of the trailer park, that thing would get you laid for sure. Maybe even more than living on a boat.

So big up to all the astronauts and all those eggheads to over at NASA. You guys have provided us with some good times over the years and hopefully they’ll decide to continue the space program in some other form in the future. That’s no sure thing but I’ll be hoping it happens. I guess now we’ll have to rely on simpler things like the Olympics and nuclear weapons to prove the size of our country’s package. Fare thee well Space Shuttle!

This past week I had the pleasure of moving. Now this move was most certainly a step up as I left the halfway house I was living in and moved to my own actual house. This is actually the first time I’ve had a place since April of 2006 when I went to rehab for the first time. Since then I’ve either been in rehab, in a halfway house, in detox, in the mental ward, or living in hotels or motels in between two of those. There have been good times and bad times of course, but this is definitely a step up.

Its not totally my house as I’m living with two friends of mine, but as anyone who knows me can imagine, I totally run the joint. At least in my own mind. Its nice though and we’ve even got a pool. Which I’ve been planning to go in all week, but just haven’t for some reason. I don’t know if its a lack of motivation, but it might be. So if any hot girls out there feel like going for a swim, feel free to just stop by in your bikini and I won’t have a choice but to join you.

I really hope this thing works out and runs smoothly though because one thing I can assure you is that moving is pure hell. I didn’t even have much to move, but it was still just a complete nightmare. Let me tell you that tempers flare and no one involved in a move is very fun to be around. Its just that the problems just seem to multiply exponentially out of nowhere. Oddly enough, my boss at work was also moving during the same time period. Let me just tell you that the office wasn’t exactly a giant happy fest this past week. Ironically my other boss spent the week down at Fantasy Fest in Key West, which IS a giant happy fest.

I was walking into a great situation this time as one of my friends, was already living in the house and he just let  me and my other buddy move on in. This means that we didn’t have to come up with first, last, security or any of that deal. Now I had a little bit of money and I figured that wow this was great now I can use this money for useful items like a PS3 to replace the one that I pawned, twice, or a nice gambling relapse down at the Kennel Club. Good thing I didn’t succumb to either of those two temptations though because that money poofed itself away in quite a hurray without my assistance. Do you have any idea how much curtains cost? Well, I sure didn’t and those fuckers are insanely expensive. Throw in a steam cleaning for the couch that we were graciously given, a little repair on the ice-maker, and the girl I hired to clean the kitchen and bathroom. Bang, PS3 say bye bye.

Out of all that money I think the girl to clean the bathroom and the kitchen might have been the best investment. You might be thinking, but Frank, your lazy ass could have done that one yourself. Your right, and I could have built my own curtains and I could have googled how to fix an ice-maker and maybe figured that out too; but we hire professionals for a reason. Its like having a criminal defense lawyer, now it might have been super fun to see crazy ass Robert Blake defend himself in that murder trial, but I don’t think he would’ve gotten off like he did with those superstar lawyers. Hire the right people and you can get away with almost anything, ain’t that right OJ.

I digress though, the reason that the cleaning lady was such an excellent hire was that not only did she do a fantastic job, but it was quite entertaining as well. This wasn’t just some cleaning lady that you find in the yellow pages, as they are all fat and disgusting, but rather it was just a friend of mine that wanted the job. She came over on Sunday and cleaned up while I sat and watched the Dolphins beat the Jets. Now this girl is definitely a cutie and man it was like some male fantasy world at work over here. Me sitting on the couch, one eye on the game, one eye on this nice ass cleaning my sliding glass door. Eat your heart out Tim Allen.

Its been over a week now, and I’d say we’re pretty much moved in. There’s sill a box or two laying around, we got a small TV hooked up while the big TV sits idle cause we still haven’t figured out the proper placement and then wire running needs. All in all though we’re pretty dam close. There is an ongoing battle over what exactly gets hung on the walls. Anyone who knows me knows that I’d love to cover every single inch of the walls with a mix of Cory Lopez shredding at Pipe, Paris Hilton, and Tim Tebow running over defenders, but my roommates don’t seem to be of the same elevated thinking. One described my decorating style as “angry 13 year old girl”. They seem to be content with us living surrounded by white walls like we’re on the set of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.

Hopefully some happy medium will be reached. I wanted to hang up my personalized autographed photo of Burt Reynolds above the toilet.  It reads “To Frankie, your friend, Burt Reynolds”, yeah we’re tight. I was  told that was gay because who wants to be holding their dick and staring at Burt Reynolds on a regular basis. Then today though I walk in and there’s a picture of some carpenter above the toilet. Like Burt’s creepy, but Jesus is okay, what the fuck. Does that mean that I can go and hang Bob Villa on the opposite wall, after all he is a Gator at least.

Sincerely though I hope I stay here for an extended period of time. Hopefully my next move will be into my own house with whatever attractive blonde I decide to raise the future University of Florida QB with. I had one picked out but she seems to have this small ongoing conflict which causes situations of her not being able to stop shooting dope, its been a little speed bump in my plan. I honestly hope too that when the day of the next move does happen either I’ve raised enough money or even better she’s so independently wealthy that I can just firebomb all my old stuff and get all new stuff for my place. I don’t ever want to do the moving crap again.

Now when it comes down to picking your favorite holiday, it’s certainly a tough choice. Everyone has it’s own pros and cons. Your favorite changes too as you grow older. When your a kid, of course your favorite is going to be Christmas. That one’s a no brainer for little kids. You get a whole lot of gifts and that’s hard to beat. I think all kids are selfish and materialistic at heart so they love that one.

As you get older though you realize that Christmas actually isn’t that great. I don’t know exactly when the point is, but eventually you are expected to actually get gifts for other people too. I always seem to come out on the short end of Christmas these days. I of course get people awesome, thoughtful things and then I just end up with a bunch of shitty socks and sweaters. It’s really a waste. Instead of everyone taking their money and just buying things they want, we’re instead forced to try and pick things out for other people and pray to god that they either pick out equally good or equally shitty stuff for us. It sucks when you pick out something awesome for somebody and then get a crap gift in return. It’s equally sucky when you pick something crappy for someone and then they go out and get you something that’s just awesome. It’s really hard to achieve mutual symmetry in gift giving. It’s like achieving orgasm at the same time, it can happen but it’s a long shot and you’d probably both be better off taking care of yourselves.

Thanksgiving is a holiday that I dreaded when I was a little kid. First off there’s no gifts and I was never a big fan of Turkey. I’m still not that big on Thanksgiving, but at least it’s bearable. Everyone just gets together to pig out and then lays around on the couch half asleep watching football. Nothing too exciting, but its low stress and that’s nothing to sneeze at these days.

New Year’s is pretty cool when you get older and can enjoy some nice drunken revelry, but it never really did it for me. I guess cause I was too much of an alcoholic and drug addict to really appreciate it. New Year’s is just like amateur hour out there as people that aren’t used to it party their asses off. To someone like me, it might as well be a Tuesday night. So all New Years meant was it being more crowded and things being more expensive, two things I can do without.

These days my favorite holiday has to be Halloween. It’s really the only holiday that everyone can appreciate. When your a little kid it rocks cause you just get to stroll around house to house and people just give you candy. You don’t even have to do anything, you just knock, say trick or treat, and bang…. candy. It doesn’t work any other day of the year. Your expected to wear a costume of some sort, but that can really be anything. In fact I think a shitty costume even works better cause then they just think your too poor to afford a good costume so they feel sorry for you and give you even more candy. Ah, look at that poor kid, he can’t even afford a mask, well, it’ll be all right, go drown your sorrows in some mini Butterfingers.

I remember one year for Halloween when I was in 5th grade or thereabouts, I actually went as a drug dealer. I put on these black cargo pants, an LA Lakers Magic Johnson shirt, some gold chains, and some sunglasses. I guess that was my idea of drug dealer wear back then. I then went and filled a bunch of zip-loc bags with sugar. Its funny that no one could tell that I might not be headed down the straight arrow path.

The great thing about Halloween is that it doesn’t lose its appeal as you get older like a lot of the other holidays do. I still absolutely love Halloween. Albeit for different reasons now. The reason I love Halloween now is because it gives girls an excuse to dress like complete sluts and call it a costume. Even the most normal conservative girl lets it all hang out on Halloween. You don’t even need a costume, you can just do straight up slut. However, if you want to really get in the dress up spirit your options are endless. There’s slutty nurse, slutty policewoman, slutty doctor, slutty schoolgirl, slutty teacher, slutty sailor, slutty football ref, slutty golfer…. the world is your oyster girls.

In case you haven’t noticed you just take slutty and put it in front of anything and it’s a great costume for Halloween. I mean come on, how can anyone not love a holiday like that. It’s coming up in a week and I can’t wait. Its really the best party to have because its your best chance at having a house full of sluts, and really isn’t that the point of any party. Girls can even forget all their worries and inhibitions too, after all they are just playing a role. So go ahead and throw a Halloween party and watch the amazing parade of sluts in “costumes” some rolling on through. The only way you could have a better collection is if you decided to throw a Rock of Love theme party. Save that one for November!

I know its awful early to start talking about the National Championship game, but the day the first BCS standings of the season comes out seems like as good enough a time as any to start. Today the powers that be released their first standings in the popularity/computer contest to determine who gets the opportunity to play a game to declare themselves the best team in America. I say that way because its often times not the two best teams in the country, its the system we got though so its what we’re gonna go with her.

Now Florida which has dominated the polls since the start of the season did see their run atop the AP poll come to an end. After their lackluster performance against a highly underrated Arkansas team, enough of the AP voters determined that Alabama had been more impressive so far. That pushed Bama up to the #1 spot in the AP poll. Ironically that happened on the day that the AP poll really lost any signifigance as our first BCS standings of the year came out. The BCS has Florida at #1 and Alabama at #2. What we can gather here is that the national consensus is easily that Florida and Alabama are the two best teams in the country. Easy there Texas fans, I’ll get to ya’all.

The tricky thing is that Alabama and Florida both play in SEC conference. Now they don’t meet during the regular season this year, as each team has one team they play from the other division every year and the other two spots rotate. All signs however, most certainly point to Alabama and Florida meeting up in the SEC Championship game at the end of the year. Last year Alabama and Florida were #1 and #2 going into the SEC Championship game as well, which Florida won on their way to an eventual National Championship. The difference this year though is that its highly likely that both teams could reach that game with both being undefeated.

When their both undefeated, that would make the BCS Championship game scenarios extremely interesting. If that scenario happens, I don’t see any reason why what might seem unthinkable could very well happen. The same game might be played again for the BCS National Championship game. I’m assuming here that Texas is going to lose a game at some point. I haven’t been impressed with Texas very much and I just don’t see them making it all the way. If Texas goes undefeated then this point becomes mute, I’ll give you that Texas fans, but let’s just assume here that Texas loses a game.

That would mean that after the SEC Championship game is played, you have the winner sitting there at undefeated and a shoe in for the National Championship game. Now for the other spot how could you not put an SEC team with one loss, with that one loss being to the #1 team in the country, into the BCS #2 slot. Who could possibly trump a one loss SEC team… a one loss Texas team I don’t think so as the Big 12 is certainly down this year….. a one loss USC out of the PAC 10 with their one loss being to an unranked Washington team…. Boise St. could very well be undefeated, but I don’t see them being ahead of any of those teams. All signs would point to them just replaying the two best teams in the country again.

Some people might have a problem with this, in fact I know they will and I can see how they might. When you break it down though its really the only possible solution. Take away any negative notion about playing the same game again, and its really the only acceptable solution.

The crazy thing is that at that point you might even be better off losing the SEC Championship game then winning it. We all know how hard it is to beat the same team twice in the same season. In those types of rematches the advantage is often with the loser of the first game. Now I know that neither team would take that into account when their playing in the SEC Championship game, there’s too much uncertainty involved.

If we really want to see the two best teams play it out for the National Championship, this is looking like the way its going to have to be. I’m not saying that either team might not have a hiccup along the way, after all the SEC is a war week in and week out. Neither of them are playing in the Big 10 or anything of course. If the scenario plays itself out though, I see no reason not to repeat the game. From what we’ve seen so far Alabama and Florida are the two best teams in college football. Their led by the two best coaches in college football in Urban Meyer and Nick Saban. The whole scenario is just nice. fact… their so nice, let’s do it twice.

I don’t know what it is about her. Maybe its those come hither eyes, her street smart dirty wit or that sky high blue beehive but some people out there must think Marge Simpson is sexy. The November issue of Playboy has the cartoon matriarch of the dysfunctional Simpson family as its cover girl, and all I can say is… What the Fuck!

I mean I know that Playboy isn’t exactly what you might call a jerk off mag, that right is reserved more for things like High Society or Hustler, but have they really started resorting to cartoon characters? Does this animated cartoon actually turn people on? God, I hope not. I can imagine maybe some fat dorky bastard, much like Comic Book Guy in the show, might be leering over it but the rest of America can’t possibly like this sort of thing.

I give major props to Hugh Hefner for most anything. I mean the guy is like one of my idols and easily in the top 5 of my greatest men of all-time list. I mean here he is at 83 years old and he spends his days lounging around in a bathrobe and his nights sleeping with his girlfriends. Much like me too, Hef is a blonde man and I totally respect that. The first sign of his old age creeping up on him came in recent years when he cut his number of girlfriends down from 8 to 3. The guy is after all 83 years old, but here I am in my sexual prime and I got my hands full with 2 so he still gets mad props.

This Marge Simpson cover thing though has me worrying about ol’ Hef. Has he finally begun to lose his mind. I know he still had to sign off on this thing,  even if he’s not in charge of day to day operations at the magazine anymore I am definitely sure he has enough clout to put the kibash on something if he wants. So I implore you Hef, break out that ol’ kibash right now.

Has our society become so dork driven that the dorks are now the ruling class. I sure hope not. Now I know that Bill Gates has more money than entire countries, but he should still be getting stuffed in garbage cans, or at the very least having to pay off cool people to vouch for him so he doesn’t get his ass kicked. We can not allow the dorks to be in charge, that’s certainly not a country that I want to live in. Sure they can have their Star Wars and Comic Book conventions, but goddammit Playboy has to be ours.

So I implore the rest of you men out there to take a stand, and let this copy of the magazine slide on buy. This is not what we have come to expect out of a great literary product that has set the bar so high. I’ve found out that Tara Reid is going to be in an upcoming issue, so save your money and buy two of those instead. Coke addict, drunk, and blonde now that’s what I’m talking about, and that’s what I think America wants to see. Go moan in Klingon while jerking off to Marge Simpson if you want, but do me a favor and go do it in Canada.

As anyone knows that is my friend on Facebook, and if your on Facebook and not my friend then you might as well just take a sledgehammer to your life because it is totally unfulfilled, I spend quite a bit of time at my gym, Planet Fitness. I’ve cranked up my workout regime pretty good over the past couple months and I think its starting to pay dividends. All I really want is simply to look good naked, I think that’s all anyone who goes to the gym wants if you really get down to it. All the other stuff they claim is simply bullshit.

I usually hit the machines and then do some cardio. Sometimes I brave the StairMaster and let me tell you that sucker is brutal. That thing kicks my ass like no other. I do it at a good clip, but I can’t do more than 10 minutes on that dam thing. Even then for the last couple minutes I’m basically hanging on for dear life. The StairMaster at Planet Fitness is also situated right in the front corner, so my big fear as I hang on is that one day I’m going to take a tumble and go right through the big front glass window. That would be a bummer, cause I’d like totally have to find a new gym.

The StairMaster is merely occasional though, my cardio method of choice is the bike. I don’t ride those pussy ass old people recliner bikes either. I use the sit up, Lance Armstrong style bike. There’s only 3 of them at my Planet Fitness, I prefer the southern most one, after that its the one in the middle, the northern one I swear has a hitch in it. I usually do anywhere from 5-10 miles on that sucker, as of right now, at 10 or 12 resistance. The main thing though that seems to limit my time on the bike, is not that I get tired, its that I just get too fuckin bored sitting there and can’t take it anymore.

Of course I try and do things to alleviate the boredom. Of course I always have my phone and I Facebook, Twitter, and read articles on ESPN, but that can only get me so far. Sometimes I try and watch the TVs they got over us, but since there’s only 3 of the bikes I like there’s not much of a selection. The TV straight ahead is the FoxNews one. I don’t know if its God’s sense of humor or what, but I can not stand FoxNews. Fair and balanced, haha, who the fuck are those bastards kidding. As someone who went to school for Journalism, that channel is just like being slapped in the face with big black cock. If you don’t know what I’m talking about go out and get the great 2004 documentary by Robert Greenwald, “Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism”.

The thing that works the best for me to fill the time, is picking up the phone and calling some people. Unfortunately, I tend to go to the gym mad early before I go to work, so the choice of people I can call is extremely limited. When I do talk to someone, I find that its fantastic for my workout. It takes my mind completely off the fact that I’m riding the bike, and time plus distance fly by without  me even knowing it.

This past week though an interesting turn of events occurred that has potentially scared me off from ever picking up that phone while on the bike again.

It all begins with one day while totally killing it on the bike, I decided to pick up the phone and call my ex, we’ll call her LITTLE MIS CAN’T BE WRONG. Its quite ironic that while being inspired to ride like Lance Armstrong, I would exhibit behavior that required such balls. Its as if God had taken the one nut he was missing and transferred it to me.

So backed by the power of having 1 and a half set of balls, I picked up the phone. We proceeded to have a very civil and fun conversation. I then started talking to her about a current situation I has having with a girl. Don’t ask me why but I think I honestly just wanted her advice. Then the conversation took a turn South when she asked me, “What are you doing, why are you breathing so hard”. I don’t know why, but I simply replied “Nothing, just hanging out on my patio”. You might ask now why I didn’t just tell her I was on the bike at the gym, and that I can not answer. Ever since I stopped lying about big things, I catch myself just lying about small things for no reason like its some sort of balancing act.

It was then that the accusations started flying out of her mouth. She proceeded to accuse me of having sex with this new girl and deciding to call her. Now I think I’m a pretty normal person who tends to get his rocks off the old fashioned way, but know here is a person that knows me perhaps better than anyone on the planet, accusing me of being a sick demented fuck. Like I’m going to be banging a girl and decide that it would be really hot to pick up the phone and call my ex. We could then have a normal conversation while I’m slamming it into some other hot piece of ass, who of course would go along with this willing. Am I wrong, or that would take a pretty demented fuck.

She hung up on me. Then I thought about the situation and you know what, that might actually be pretty hot. Maybe this is a whole new level of sexual experience that I’m missing out on.

The most disturbing part of this whole thing is that the very next day, I was once again on the bike at the gym and I decided to pick up the phone and call my grandmother. We had a great conversation and then she asked me “What are you doing, why are you breathing so hard”. I almost lost it, I couldn’t help but think, does my grandmother know think that I’m banging some girl and decided to pick up the phone and call her. Wow, now that would be a sick demented fuck. It makes the whole calling your ex in the middle of sex thing seem like family programming. Then I thought, you are a sick fuck for even thinking about this. Its just a natural jump though for my brain, I can’t control the correlations it makes no matter how much I’d like to try.

Since then I’ve kinda stopped the whole calling people on the bike thing. If I do attempt it again, the first words out of my mouth before hello are going to be “I’m at the gym riding the bike!!”. Although maybe I shouldn’t make those the first words, early on maybe. If that’s the first thing I yell out, then it obviously is going to sound like a lie.

What I’d really like is for people to call me that want to talk and already know where I’m at. So I’m going to throw an update on Facebook as soon as I get on the bike, consider that an open invitation to call me for the next 30-45 minutes. Anything you need, sports, stock advice, sexual advice, or just wanna vent, go ahead and call me. It it’ll do us both some good. It’ll take my mind off what I’m doing, and you get access to my expertise and wealth of knowledge. So go ahead world, I’m listening.

Some qualities that one possesses just seem to be god given since birth. Its best not to question these qualities and just let them attempt to contribute to your life in the best possible manner. Speaking for myself, one such quality I possesses is my ability to instantly know the best route to take from one place to another.

Now by best route, you might concur that it would be the fastest way between two points. This would be correct most of the time, but there are other factors that can come into play. Things such as scenery and proximity to girls in bikini’s also play a component. It is true though that the key component to me is time. I’m seemingly always pressed for time, even when I have nothing to do. For me one of the major pros of excessive cocaine use, was all that extra time that it offers you. After all, time is money. Now I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself a successful cocaine user, but I did indeed get shit done. For example, all my DVD’s were in order by genre and alphabetized. This is no small feat when you consider that at its high point my DVD collection numbered somewhere around 1,000 movies. Its shrunk since then some do to selling of movies and some due to the fact that I had so many stolen by the thieving delinquents that reside in the type of residences I’ve frequented the past few years. I’m sure I’d be due some amends if any of those bastards ever managed to stay sober.

I must digress though, back to the route taking. I don’t know why God has planted this innate ability in me, but who am I to question God. The thing that angers me the most about this ability though is when other people question it. Anyone that’s hung around with me enough though, has seen it play itself out right before their eyes.

Now I do have GPS on my phone and will use it occasionally, but its really more of a tool to figure out where a certain address lies. Their routes are merely suggestions. There is no way a computer can take into account all the various intricacies that go into my determination of the best possible route. In this game of chess, Big Blue doesn’t stand a chance.

Sometimes the route taking ability just comes through experience, such as knowing that to attempt to go down I-95 in between 45st. and Belvedere between 4-6 is just ludicrous, you shouldn’t have to get cut in that crap more than twice to know that you can just shoot down Congress at about the exact same speed as a smooth running I-95. Its in fact visible from I-95. If your ever there sitting in a traffic jam, just take a glance to your East and you’ll see people cruising down Congress at 70mph in comfort.

Other times though its almost like a psychic ability. There have been times when its just popped into my head to avoid a certain road or intersection, only to have the traffic report come on the radio later saying to stay away from there, officers on scene.

I don’t even have to be familiar with the area, and that can be downright scary at some points. I remember being in Knoxville one year for a Gators game, (we won by the way on Gaffney’s late TD grab in the end zone, remember Vol fans possession in the end zone is different than the rest of the field. HAHA!) I had downed enough booze to kill a large Nigerian village and yet was still able to get us to the Waffle House before even the most intelligent Vol fan. My route taking ability was praised by all as we drunkenly smashed our country fried steaks into our mouths.

The question has now become, just how do I harness this power for good and not use it for evil like I’m tempted too with all my powers. This is a tough one, and really is just symbolic of an entire change in Frank culture that I’m attempting to enact. I’m always available to use this power to help others, I just need to be utilized. If anyone cares to ask me what the best route might be from point A to point B, please feel free and I will help you in anyway I can. That includes people I don’t even like, although if I don’t like you, your not even aware of it because I like to give off the impression that I love everyone when in fact I really only like about 8% of you people at the most.