So it’s been almost a year since I’ve written anything on here and for that I apologize. My life has been kinda a mess and when I’m not right my writing usually slacks. Things are getting back centered now and to commemorate this achievement I decided to write about a fellow who’s year has been kinda similar to mine, everyone’s current guilty pleasure Mr. Charlie Sheen.
Now unless you’ve been living under a rock for the past couple months, your well aware of Mr. Sheen’s current situation. I mean I swear the other morning I turned on the TV and he must have been on 6 different channels at the same time. I don’t even think the President’s State of the Union address gets that kinda coverage. Let’s face it, Charlie Sheen is hot as fire right now. I think even the Dos Equis guy would agree at this point that Charlie Sheen is actually the real most interesting man in the world. The more amazing part is he’s this scalding for basically being out of his mind. Now normally the whole American phenomenon of loving to watch train wrecks leads to a fairly short lived period of fascination, Sheen’s however is showing remarkable staying power. Just last night Dateline NBC devoted an entire episode to the people’s favorite raving lunatic.
Charlie Sheen has captured the heart of this country. Lots of people love him, lots of people hate him, but one thing you can be sure of is that hardly anyone is indifferent towards him. The other day I went over to visit my great grandmother and there was Charlie Sheen on the TV in her room. Now this woman is 96 years old and doesn’t even speak English. No worries though, our good friends at Univision had her covered.
Now this is a guy were talking about here who already had the most popular sitcom on television and his popularity is increasing everyday. Yet those executives at CBS decided to pull the plug on that show, at least for this season. Sheen of course did not take that lightly and has embarked on an epic media blitz denouncing both CBS and the show’s creator Chuck Lorre (or the “earthworm” or “maggot” as Charlie lovingly refers to him). CBS faced with all this negative publicity has caved in a little to Mr. Sheen’s demands agreeing to pay the crew for 4 of the remaining 8 episodes, but the station is mostly sticking to its guns. This to me seems inconceivable. Can you possibly imagine the ratings a new episode of Two and a Half Men would get right now, I mean we could be talking Super Bowl like numbers.
The real question here is how long can Charlie keep on the front page and first news segments? I think that the time is coming for him to crank it up a notch here. Now I know that he only has one gear, GO, but there has to be different levels of go. This popularity can not keep up at the ridiculous pace its on right now. While he was the star of the #1 show on television, Mr. Sheen didn’t even have a Twitter account. Last week he decided to start one and had over 1 million followers the very first day. That was a record growth pace for Twitter that even President Obama didn’t have when he started his account. As one of my good friends always says “It’s way better to have a million friends than a million dollars”.
My advice to Charlie is to embark on a one man show tour across this country. He could sell out arenas in every major city and in every big college town. People would be lined up right now to listen to Charlie just do what he does live. The merchandise sales alone would be staggering. Having lived in Gainesville, I know that he could pack the O’Connell Center no problem. The University also couldn’t have any problem with him being there, because after all Mr. Sheen’s is not on drugs and has the tests to prove it. He has personally validated my long standing claim that you don’t have to keep doing drugs to keep your crazy.
I could also guarantee that the next day at class everyone would be walking around with shirts emblazoned with any of the vast multitude of new catchphrases that Mr. Sheen was injected into the fiber of America’s current being. “Winning” shirts would be flying off the racks. “Tiger Blood” hats would be covering up everything from dreads to bald spots across the country.
This tour would also give Sheen a platform to crank up the pressure on CBS even more. Imagine if he got up before a packed crowd of drunken college students and told them “Now when you guys go back to your dorms tonight, I want you to e-mail the President of CBS and tell him what a jackass he is for taking my epic show off the air; and here’s his personal e-mail address”. Hopefully CBS server is big enough to handle the flood of e-mails that would result in that, one thing’s for sure it would be dam hard to ignore.
Now obviously Mr. Sheen doesn’t need anybody to tell him how to get publicity, he basically just has to be his crazy self, but I think this would not only make him a ton of money but also force CBS to have to cave into this mega star and whatever he demanded. Think about Charlie. I could be on a plane out to the Sober Valley Lodge by the end of the day. I’ll even bring my own two goddesses……. well, as soon as one gets out of rehab and the other can sober up long enough to get on a plane.


First off let me say that I’m a big supporter of the Space Shuttle program and would never think of bashing it in anyway. I’m not exactly sure what purpose it serves, but it is a really cool way of telling the rest of the world how bad ass we are. It’s like check that out motherfuckers, we shoot that shit into space. Some people might say the space program is just a big penis for our country, but I say the people saying that are from countries with small dicks.
Its as if our country has gotten so used to it that now even space travel can seem almost mundane. I guess that’s part of the reason that their calling it quits on the whole space shuttle program. Go back in time and think about why the space program even started in the first place. It was all just to prove that we were more bad ass than the Russians. We wanted our country to get excited about something and bask in the confidence of us kicking ass. The whole space program was purely an ego driven pissing contest. Now that aspect just doesn’t even exist anymore. People are getting bored with it so what real purpose does it serve. Its not like were bringing back the cure for cancer from space or anything like that. Its really just a gigantic waste of money when you come to think about it. Its kinda like when they ask people why they climb Mt. Everest and they answer “because it’s there man!!!”.
I used to dig the shuttle launches a whole lot when I was up in Gainesville for college too. I didn’t ever make the short trek over there for one during that time, but I sure did celebrate each and every one. Back then I looked for any excuse to throw a party. Not because I needed one, but because it helped out other people. I’m a drug addict and an alcoholic so it didn’t make any difference to me, but so called normal people want to have some reason or excuse to party. I’d be taking Patron shots on a Tuesday afternoon just because I was breathing, but to get a normal person to do it you have to come up with something. It just makes them feel better. Come on over we’re celebrating the shuttle launch worked great. It doesn’t matter if its a good reason or not. Girls however like to be celebrating something in order to do tequila shots on a Tuesday early afternoon.
This past week I had the pleasure of moving. Now this move was most certainly a step up as I left the halfway house I was living in and moved to my own actual house. This is actually the first time I’ve had a place since April of 2006 when I went to rehab for the first time. Since then I’ve either been in rehab, in a halfway house, in detox, in the mental ward, or living in hotels or motels in between two of those. There have been good times and bad times of course, but this is definitely a step up.
I was walking into a great situation this time as one of my friends, was already living in the house and he just let me and my other buddy move on in. This means that we didn’t have to come up with first, last, security or any of that deal. Now I had a little bit of money and I figured that wow this was great now I can use this money for useful items like a PS3 to replace the one that I pawned, twice, or a nice gambling relapse down at the Kennel Club. Good thing I didn’t succumb to either of those two temptations though because that money poofed itself away in quite a hurray without my assistance. Do you have any idea how much curtains cost? Well, I sure didn’t and those fuckers are insanely expensive. Throw in a steam cleaning for the couch that we were graciously given, a little repair on the ice-maker, and the girl I hired to clean the kitchen and bathroom. Bang, PS3 say bye bye.
I digress though, the reason that the cleaning lady was such an excellent hire was that not only did she do a fantastic job, but it was quite entertaining as well. This wasn’t just some cleaning lady that you find in the yellow pages, as they are all fat and disgusting, but rather it was just a friend of mine that wanted the job. She came over on Sunday and cleaned up while I sat and watched the Dolphins beat the Jets. Now this girl is definitely a cutie and man it was like some male fantasy world at work over here. Me sitting on the couch, one eye on the game, one eye on this nice ass cleaning my sliding glass door. Eat your heart out Tim Allen.
Hopefully some happy medium will be reached. I wanted to hang up my personalized autographed photo of Burt Reynolds above the toilet. It reads “To Frankie, your friend, Burt Reynolds”, yeah we’re tight. I was told that was gay because who wants to be holding their dick and staring at Burt Reynolds on a regular basis. Then today though I walk in and there’s a picture of some carpenter above the toilet. Like Burt’s creepy, but Jesus is okay, what the fuck. Does that mean that I can go and hang Bob Villa on the opposite wall, after all he is a Gator at least.
Now when it comes down to picking your favorite holiday, it’s certainly a tough choice. Everyone has it’s own pros and cons. Your favorite changes too as you grow older. When your a kid, of course your favorite is going to be Christmas. That one’s a no brainer for little kids. You get a whole lot of gifts and that’s hard to beat. I think all kids are selfish and materialistic at heart so they love that one.
These days my favorite holiday has to be Halloween. It’s really the only holiday that everyone can appreciate. When your a little kid it rocks cause you just get to stroll around house to house and people just give you candy. You don’t even have to do anything, you just knock, say trick or treat, and bang…. candy. It doesn’t work any other day of the year. Your expected to wear a costume of some sort, but that can really be anything. In fact I think a shitty costume even works better cause then they just think your too poor to afford a good costume so they feel sorry for you and give you even more candy. Ah, look at that poor kid, he can’t even afford a mask, well, it’ll be all right, go drown your sorrows in some mini Butterfingers.
The great thing about Halloween is that it doesn’t lose its appeal as you get older like a lot of the other holidays do. I still absolutely love Halloween. Albeit for different reasons now. The reason I love Halloween now is because it gives girls an excuse to dress like complete sluts and call it a costume. Even the most normal conservative girl lets it all hang out on Halloween. You don’t even need a costume, you can just do straight up slut. However, if you want to really get in the dress up spirit your options are endless. There’s slutty nurse, slutty policewoman, slutty doctor, slutty schoolgirl, slutty teacher, slutty sailor, slutty football ref, slutty golfer…. the world is your oyster girls.
As anyone knows that is my friend on Facebook, and if your on Facebook and not my friend then you might as well just take a sledgehammer to your life because it is totally unfulfilled, I spend quite a bit of time at my gym, Planet Fitness. I’ve cranked up my workout regime pretty good over the past couple months and I think its starting to pay dividends. All I really want is simply to look good naked, I think that’s all anyone who goes to the gym wants if you really get down to it. All the other stuff they claim is simply bullshit.
Of course I try and do things to alleviate the boredom. Of course I always have my phone and I Facebook, Twitter, and read articles on ESPN, but that can only get me so far. Sometimes I try and watch the TVs they got over us, but since there’s only 3 of the bikes I like there’s not much of a selection. The TV straight ahead is the FoxNews one. I don’t know if its God’s sense of humor or what, but I can not stand FoxNews. Fair and balanced, haha, who the fuck are those bastards kidding. As someone who went to school for Journalism, that channel is just like being slapped in the face with big black cock. If you don’t know what I’m talking about go out and get the great 2004 documentary by Robert Greenwald, “Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism”.
It all begins with one day while totally killing it on the bike, I decided to pick up the phone and call my ex, we’ll call her LITTLE MIS CAN’T BE WRONG. Its quite ironic that while being inspired to ride like Lance Armstrong, I would exhibit behavior that required such balls. Its as if God had taken the one nut he was missing and transferred it to me.
The most disturbing part of this whole thing is that the very next day, I was once again on the bike at the gym and I decided to pick up the phone and call my grandmother. We had a great conversation and then she asked me “What are you doing, why are you breathing so hard”. I almost lost it, I couldn’t help but think, does my grandmother know think that I’m banging some girl and decided to pick up the phone and call her. Wow, now that would be a sick demented fuck. It makes the whole calling your ex in the middle of sex thing seem like family programming. Then I thought, you are a sick fuck for even thinking about this. Its just a natural jump though for my brain, I can’t control the correlations it makes no matter how much I’d like to try.
Some qualities that one possesses just seem to be god given since birth. Its best not to question these qualities and just let them attempt to contribute to your life in the best possible manner. Speaking for myself, one such quality I possesses is my ability to instantly know the best route to take from one place to another.
I must digress though, back to the route taking. I don’t know why God has planted this innate ability in me, but who am I to question God. The thing that angers me the most about this ability though is when other people question it. Anyone that’s hung around with me enough though, has seen it play itself out right before their eyes.
I don’t even have to be familiar with the area, and that can be downright scary at some points. I remember being in Knoxville one year for a Gators game, (we won by the way on Gaffney’s late TD grab in the end zone, remember Vol fans possession in the end zone is different than the rest of the field. HAHA!) I had downed enough booze to kill a large Nigerian village and yet was still able to get us to the Waffle House before even the most intelligent Vol fan. My route taking ability was praised by all as we drunkenly smashed our country fried steaks into our mouths.
Sunday was a very sad day at my alma mater The University of Florida. One of the real monuments of Gainesville, the UF bathouse collapsed. If you’ve never been to the bathouse, I feel sorry for you. If you’ve never dropped acid and gone to see the nightly flight to feed, I feel real sorry for you.
For those that don’t know, every night the bats leave the Bathouse to go out and feed on the insects around Lake Alice for the night. They all leave at the same time, its really quite a mesmerizing experience. It takes about 10-15 min for all of them to leave and its just a mess of fluttering flying little hell demons, its fantastic.
I came to a startling discovery about myself, that I think I’ve actually been aware of for quite sometime. Every single action that I take, whether good or bad, is somehow an attempt to get laid. Now I realized that I can’t control my mind a long time ago. It races constantly. It assesses the pros and cons of every situation that I come into contact with on a daily basis.
I’ve also realized that when I have a girlfriend this all changes. I’m a pretty good guy deep down, and when I have a girlfriend I’m not out trying to get laid by anyone else. I’m not saying that I’ve been been 100% faithful, but it was never planned, I just sorta fell into it. So when I have a girlfriend, I can actually do good deeds just out of pure altruism. Thats gonna be pretty sweet. Now in recovery they tell you not to get into a new relationship in the first year. Right now I got about 6 months sober, so I’m still in that period. They also tell you however to help others. Its a double edged sword for me, because I can’t do both. The only way I can do good, just for the sake of doing good, is to be in a relationship. Without that, everything I do is to try and get laid. Its quite the situation to be in.
Right now I’ve got a little bit of a cold. Its nothing serious just a little congestion with a cough. As with any problem I know have to decide what my options are and how to attack this invisible menace. Back in the day I found that Oxycontin was very good at dealing with the common cold. Just take a couple and all your symptoms seem to go away. There’s really no time table on when to take more, I liked to go by my favorite physician’s orders of “take as necessary”.
The stuffed shirts up at The Princeton Review released their rankings of the top party schools recently, and my University of Florida came in second. God, I hate coming in 2nd in anything. The #1 school according to these rankings is Penn State University. Florida was #1 last year, so that means either we partied less or those dam Nittany Lions partied harder this year. Florida administrators are happy about it of course, but I think I can speak for all of our alumni when I say Fuck That.