I live in North Palm Beach, FL currently which is just a little bit north of Palm Beach, FL where I grew up, hence the name dumb ass. Anyway, here in Palm Beach country our paper is the hard hitting, never sleeping, thought provoking, Palm Beach Post. Today, I came across a very intriguing article entitled “Gun falls, bullet injures woman in bathroom stall”. The title pretty much says it all, but in case you need some explanation…

Authorities say a bullet from a gun that was accidentally dropped injured a Tampa woman sitting in a bathroom stall.

Police say the bullet hit 53-year-old Janifer Bliss in the lower left leg. She was taken to a hospital with minor injuries.

Bliss was sitting on the toilet in a hotel bathroom when a woman in the next stall accidentally let her handgun slip out of her waist holster. The weapon discharged when it hit the ground.

Police say the gun belonged to 56-year-old Debra Monce who has a concealed weapons permit.

I just thought the shit was mad funny. Can you imagine just sitting there on the shitter doing your business and getting shot, haha. I know that whenever I’m doing my bizness in a public restroom, which is extremely rare as it has to be a situation where I’m pretty much already touching fabric, I get annoyed when someone enters the stall next to me. It’s like what the fuck here we are two people that don’t even know each other and we’re taking a shit with only about a 1 inch thick piece of plasterboard separating us.

I know it’s different for women, since they have to go into the stall for everything. Still, I hate it just the same when someone is using the urinal next to me. If its a two urinal setup, and somebody is at one, I’ll go piss in the stall. I don’t want to use the urinal right next to someone either. The only times I do are in situations where the bathroom is absolutely packed constantly  such as a sporting event, a busy bar, the mall at Christmas time, or a casual Mexican restaurant.

This reminds me of some other interesting incidents I’ve had in bathrooms.

I remember one time when I was at Chilli’s or Friday’s or one of those places their all the same, and I was taking a piss and this guy came and sidled right up in the urinal next to me in a at least 5 urinal setup. I was annoyed and though what the hell is this guy’s problem. Then he did the unthinkable, he started talking to me. He had a cowboy hat on I remember cause he said “howdy partner” and then proceded to ask me how my day was going. Now I don’t know if this is a Texas thing, I’ll have to ask SLAYER, but where I’m from you don’t make small talk at the urinal.

Another time I remember walking around the corner into  the bathroom at the Gardens Mall and seeing a kid who must have been about 10 years old and he had dropped his pants completley to the floor as was at the urinal bareass to the world. Now I immediattly turned to avoid the urinals and head toward a stall, but there was that huge bathroom mirror with his bare ass all over it. Now this just ain’t right, doesn’t this kid have anyone to teach him about what is acceptable. Nevermind the fact that it’s inconsiderate to others, but what about the hygenic aspects of it. His pants are sitting directly on a mall bathroom floor, how disgusting can you get. Furthermore, there he is bare ass to the world at a mall, perhaps the biggest pedophile hangout around. I even have a friend, HOBE PLAYBOY, who dress up like a pedophile and goes to the mall just for his own shits and giggles at people’s reactions. He’s even been asked to leave by security before.

Now let’s get back to our woman in Tampa. So here she is either pissing or shitting, oddly it doesn’t say, minding her own buisness. Then some other woman enters the stall next to her, drops her knickers causing her gun to fall out and hit the floor. Once again this seems like something that should happen in Texas, cause I don’t imagine too many woman around here walking around with guns in holsters. Anyway, the gun discharges and hits our friend in the leg. Now the paramediccs have to be notified and come and get this partially undressed woman to the hospital. I wonder if she finished. I imagine that if your in the middle of taking a shit and get shot. That immediattly causes all the remaining shit in your system to immediattly flush, that’s just my guy feeling. If your taking a piss on the other hand, I think it would stop in midstream and be quite painful. Then again, I’m no doctor.

First off let me start off by wishing everyone a Happy 4th of July, that means you loyal reader as well as you jealous cockblocking hater. Every 4th of July this issue comes up, does anyone know that fireworks are illegal in Palm Beach Country. Yup, our unAmerican lawmakers have banned our right to celebrate in the most patriotic of fashion by making things go boom.

If there’s something more American than blowing stuff up, I have yet to find it. Yet our wise bueracrats here decided that in order to protect us from ourselves and our drunken trailer trash neighbors, the only legal fireworks are things such as sparklers. Even your common bottle rocket is banned.

You might ask than why do I see countless firework stands when I drive down the road? If you happen to go into any of those stands, I like the big tent on Northlake ironically in the Blood Bank parking lot, you will notice that after you purchase your glorious items they make you sign a piece of paper.

That piece of paper your signing is a waiver. What it says is that you are intending to use the fireworks for one of the “legal” purpose. These “legal” purposes include using them to scare birds from crops, quarry stone, or as a railroad signal. Now I’m sure that’s what all these people are using them for, a know I saw a huge group of birds circling my coconut crop this morning.

All the waiver does is make the store not responsible for the “illegal” acts that you fully intend to commit. They can claim ignorance. Its funny though that they need you to sign a waiver, while you can walk into any head shop and buy a 6 foot bong and its just assumed that its going to be for tobacco use.

If you are caught with your precious fireworks this year, it is considered a first degree misdemeanor and is punishable by up to a $1,000 fine and up to a year in jail. They have got to be kidding with that whole year in a jail thing, remember that Donte Stallworth only got 30 days for DUI manslaughter.

I doubt that a whole lot of people are going to be enforcing it. Palm Beach Country Sheriff’s Office spokesman Ed Davis kinda summed up their n9nchalant attitude towards it when he said ““One thing about fireworks, when they go off, so does the evidence.”

There are some communities though that are trying to crack down on it. Loxahatchee Groves for instance has vowed to enforce the law and has even allocated funds specifically target to weed out this dangerous criminal element from their town.

I say its all in good fun so just relax all you uptight lawmakers. Sure people get hurt with fireworks but they do with anything that’s fun. I think more people get hurt in boating accidents every year than fireworks accidents, so lets go ahead and ban boating too. Its also ridiculous to let these store owners operate their way around the law and then even think about cracking down on people for shooting off their fireworks. Its like leaving the drug dealers alone and making only possession a crime.

So I say blow things up all night, blow things up all weekend. If your not blowing things up yourself, go seek out some people that are. It would be unAmerican not to.

I found a pretty interesting article in the Palm Beach Post, which is my local paper down here in lovely Palm Beach County. Their known for their hard hitting investigative exposes as well as award winning nautical interior design section. Anyway, in the article so cleverly titled “Nearly 80 Sex Offenders Scratch Out a Living Under Miami’s Julia Tuttle Causeway”….uh, I guess the title pretty much tells you what they talked about.

It’s shocking to me though that under just one bridge in the city of Miami we have over 80 sex offenders living. That is definitely a place you wanna tell your kids to stay away from. Although if their anything like me maybe you should tell them to go there. I know that when I was a kid, I went anywhere I was told not to go and stayed the hell away from anyone the “grownups” told me I should be.

I do give props to the writer John Lantigua for having the balls to write a human interest story about a bunch of people nobody cares about.

The man living under the bridge, Javier, is 69 and tattoos of shapely, young women adorn his arms and torso.

The tattoos might be just early excesses, the faded daydreams of a young sailor. But when you know why he lives there, they become symbols – foreboding predictions – of his problems.

Javier is one of almost 80 sex offenders living like castaways beneath the Julia Tuttle Causeway, which connects Miami to Miami Beach across Biscayne Bay. He says he was convicted 17 years ago of sexual contact with a girl, 13.

The offenders are exiled under the six-lane overpass because a 2005 Miami Dade ordinance prohibits people convicted of sex crimes involving minors from living within 2,500 feet of schools, playgrounds, or, in some cases, school bus stops.

To me that law doesn’t mean that they have to live under a bridge in downtown Miami. It means that they can’t live in a major urban area. Go move out to the country you sick fucks. Take a clue, we don’t want you living where all our “normal” people live. To me it just seems like these dam pervs have found a loophole where they get to stay in the city of Miami and live under this bridge. There are plenty of areas west of the city where they won’t be violating the 2500 feet law.

Now I must admit that there are some people who I feel bad for that are forced to register as sex offenders. I don’t think the 18 year old high school senior that has sex with his freshman girlfriend really did anything wrong, but I also doubt that most of these guys fall under that category. The Javier mentioned in the piece is registered because he molested a 13 year old girl, he deserves whatever he’s got coming to him.

There’s a quote in there from Armando Martinez where he says “Terrorists, members of al Qaeda, live better at Guantanamo than we do.” I seriously doubt that to be true. I think the perv has just seen “Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay” a few too many times, and would actually enjoy the cock meat sandwich. Armando is registered for an attempted sexual battery on a child. That makes him a double loser in my book, he couldn’t even successful complete his sick shit. Guy’s probably never saw anything through in his life. He deserves to live under a bridge.

I especially liked this line, “Almost all residents are men, although sometimes girlfriends sleep over.” Oh my god, imagine what prizes those girls must be. Not only are you spending the night with a registered sex offender, but he also lives under the bridge. I think even hookers would have to pass on that.

All I can say though is valiant effort Mr. Lantigua, but if you think I’m gonna be shedding a tear for the awful plight of a bunch of sexual predators, then you sure as hell can go sell crazy someplace else. Maybe some of these guys have reformed and are living on the straight and narrower, so what’s stopping them from moving out into the sticks where they wouldn’t violate the laws. I’m sure they’d say there aren’t many job opportunities out there, then ask them how many have jobs or are even looking for work. I’m sure the number wouldn’t be very high. I’m sure these are the guys that are just out panhandling every day to make enough money to drink themselves into oblivion. So I know I won’t be shedding any tears for them, and I’m sure I’ll sleep just fine tonight.