First off let me say that I’m a big supporter of the Space Shuttle program and would never think of bashing it in anyway. I’m not exactly sure what purpose it serves, but it is a really cool way of telling the rest of the world how bad ass we are. It’s like check that out motherfuckers, we shoot that shit into space. Some people might say the space program is just a big penis for our country, but I say the people saying that are from countries with small dicks.

Anyway, today from lovely Cape Canaveral right here in Florida we had another shuttle launch. Atlantis took off this afternoon at 2:28pm and had what was described as a “flawless launch”. This is one of the last space shuttle launches. If you have never been to one I’d suggest going as it really is something to experience. You might want to hurry too because there are only 5 more chances left before the space shuttle program is retired late next year.

The thing that I noticed though is that no one really seemed to care. Sure the article on the Palm Beach Post site said there was a nice crowd there and all, but it just seems like when I was a kid people used to get stoked about a shuttle launch a whole lot more. I remember being at school and they were letting everyone outside to see if we could catch a glimpse of it as it headed up through the skies. People used to get fuckin excited. Today I was at work and I mentioned it and no one even knew that it was launching.

Its as if our country has gotten so used to it that now even space travel can seem almost mundane. I guess that’s part of the reason that their calling it quits on the whole space shuttle program. Go back in time and think about why the space program even started in the first place. It was all just to prove that we were more bad ass than the Russians. We wanted our country to get excited about something and bask in the confidence of us kicking ass. The whole space program was purely an ego driven pissing contest. Now that aspect just doesn’t even exist anymore. People are getting bored with it so what real purpose does it serve. Its not like were bringing back the cure for cancer from space or anything like that. Its really just a gigantic waste of money when you come to think about it. Its kinda like when they ask people why they climb Mt. Everest and they answer “because it’s there man!!!”.

I used to dig the shuttle launches a whole lot when I was up in Gainesville for college too. I didn’t ever make the short trek over there for one during that time, but I sure did celebrate each and every one. Back then I looked for any excuse to throw a party. Not because I needed one, but because it helped out other people. I’m a drug addict and an alcoholic so it didn’t make any difference to me, but so called normal people want to have some reason or excuse to party. I’d be taking Patron shots on a Tuesday afternoon just because I was breathing, but to get a normal person to do it you have to come up with something. It just makes them feel better. Come on over we’re celebrating the shuttle launch worked great. It doesn’t matter if its a good reason or not. Girls however like to be celebrating something in order to do tequila shots on a Tuesday early afternoon.

I’ll be sad to see the space shuttles go when they finally send them out to pasture in September of next year. Its going to be interesting to see what they do with them. How bad ass would it be to get one and live in it. Talk about the envy of the trailer park, that thing would get you laid for sure. Maybe even more than living on a boat.

So big up to all the astronauts and all those eggheads to over at NASA. You guys have provided us with some good times over the years and hopefully they’ll decide to continue the space program in some other form in the future. That’s no sure thing but I’ll be hoping it happens. I guess now we’ll have to rely on simpler things like the Olympics and nuclear weapons to prove the size of our country’s package. Fare thee well Space Shuttle!

Now when it comes down to picking your favorite holiday, it’s certainly a tough choice. Everyone has it’s own pros and cons. Your favorite changes too as you grow older. When your a kid, of course your favorite is going to be Christmas. That one’s a no brainer for little kids. You get a whole lot of gifts and that’s hard to beat. I think all kids are selfish and materialistic at heart so they love that one.

As you get older though you realize that Christmas actually isn’t that great. I don’t know exactly when the point is, but eventually you are expected to actually get gifts for other people too. I always seem to come out on the short end of Christmas these days. I of course get people awesome, thoughtful things and then I just end up with a bunch of shitty socks and sweaters. It’s really a waste. Instead of everyone taking their money and just buying things they want, we’re instead forced to try and pick things out for other people and pray to god that they either pick out equally good or equally shitty stuff for us. It sucks when you pick out something awesome for somebody and then get a crap gift in return. It’s equally sucky when you pick something crappy for someone and then they go out and get you something that’s just awesome. It’s really hard to achieve mutual symmetry in gift giving. It’s like achieving orgasm at the same time, it can happen but it’s a long shot and you’d probably both be better off taking care of yourselves.

Thanksgiving is a holiday that I dreaded when I was a little kid. First off there’s no gifts and I was never a big fan of Turkey. I’m still not that big on Thanksgiving, but at least it’s bearable. Everyone just gets together to pig out and then lays around on the couch half asleep watching football. Nothing too exciting, but its low stress and that’s nothing to sneeze at these days.

New Year’s is pretty cool when you get older and can enjoy some nice drunken revelry, but it never really did it for me. I guess cause I was too much of an alcoholic and drug addict to really appreciate it. New Year’s is just like amateur hour out there as people that aren’t used to it party their asses off. To someone like me, it might as well be a Tuesday night. So all New Years meant was it being more crowded and things being more expensive, two things I can do without.

These days my favorite holiday has to be Halloween. It’s really the only holiday that everyone can appreciate. When your a little kid it rocks cause you just get to stroll around house to house and people just give you candy. You don’t even have to do anything, you just knock, say trick or treat, and bang…. candy. It doesn’t work any other day of the year. Your expected to wear a costume of some sort, but that can really be anything. In fact I think a shitty costume even works better cause then they just think your too poor to afford a good costume so they feel sorry for you and give you even more candy. Ah, look at that poor kid, he can’t even afford a mask, well, it’ll be all right, go drown your sorrows in some mini Butterfingers.

I remember one year for Halloween when I was in 5th grade or thereabouts, I actually went as a drug dealer. I put on these black cargo pants, an LA Lakers Magic Johnson shirt, some gold chains, and some sunglasses. I guess that was my idea of drug dealer wear back then. I then went and filled a bunch of zip-loc bags with sugar. Its funny that no one could tell that I might not be headed down the straight arrow path.

The great thing about Halloween is that it doesn’t lose its appeal as you get older like a lot of the other holidays do. I still absolutely love Halloween. Albeit for different reasons now. The reason I love Halloween now is because it gives girls an excuse to dress like complete sluts and call it a costume. Even the most normal conservative girl lets it all hang out on Halloween. You don’t even need a costume, you can just do straight up slut. However, if you want to really get in the dress up spirit your options are endless. There’s slutty nurse, slutty policewoman, slutty doctor, slutty schoolgirl, slutty teacher, slutty sailor, slutty football ref, slutty golfer…. the world is your oyster girls.

In case you haven’t noticed you just take slutty and put it in front of anything and it’s a great costume for Halloween. I mean come on, how can anyone not love a holiday like that. It’s coming up in a week and I can’t wait. Its really the best party to have because its your best chance at having a house full of sluts, and really isn’t that the point of any party. Girls can even forget all their worries and inhibitions too, after all they are just playing a role. So go ahead and throw a Halloween party and watch the amazing parade of sluts in “costumes” some rolling on through. The only way you could have a better collection is if you decided to throw a Rock of Love theme party. Save that one for November!

I haven’t written on here for awhile, and for that I apologize. My mind has just been taken up by other things these days. Anyway, recently I started eating a whole lot better. For lunch I’ve just been having cereal and yogurt and then later at home I end up having some pasta or some grilled chicken. That has really increased the effects of going to the gym everyday.

I’ve been going to the gym everyday for awhile, but I still eat like complete garbage. The results from the gym as you might assume were negligible. There was a time a couple of weeks ago when I realized that my last 11 meals had involved bacon in some way.

So I decided to do something about it. The one thing I haven’t been able to give up is my solo venti white mocha frappuccino. Although I do get it without the whip. The only whip cream I plan on ingesting in the foreseeable future will be sex related.

Things have been going good on the diet. Then today I was just minding my business trolling for news on the Palm Beach Post’s website when I came across a very enticing article entitled “New KFC “Double Down” Dumps the Bun”. My mouth instantly began to salivate.

The KFC Double Down is said to consist of “two chicken fillets hugging cheeses, bacon and sauce, sans the bun”. What were talking here is two slices of bacon, melted swiss cheese, melted pepper jack cheese, and the secret “Colonel’s Sauce” with two original recipe chicken fillets as bread.  That just sounds awesome to me, like something I would create on my own back in my pothead days. I especially love how they use the word “hugging” in the description, it really shows the love between the outer chicken and the inside goodness.

It said that KFC has yet to release the actual nutritional values on this lovely behemoth yet. I’m sure that information is still being processed by their team of nutritional experts. Its not like they have spin artists spending endless nights trying to come up with some way that this ridiculous thing could be less than a heart attack waiting to happen. Good luck to these poor gentleman.

According to Huffington Post, officials at KFC have told them that the sandwich should weight in at roughly 600 calories. Hell yeah, I think, that’s not too bad for a little bit of the greasy goodness. Unfortunately I tend to think that the Vancouver Sun estimate of 1,228 calories is much closer to the truth.

I’m happy to say I didn’t run out on an instant search for this fabulous product. I managed to show some restraint. From some further research I’ve found out that as of now the Double Down is only being tested in select states. I hope this is one of them, cause I do plan on enjoying it at least once. That would probably be end up being twice, because that just looks like the type of thing that will heat up late night in the microwave even better than the original. The problem is that if I get it in my mind that I’m going to have one, and then Florida doesn’t have it. The situation will not end there, it never does. Georgia your up next!

Right now I’ve got a little bit of a cold. Its nothing serious just a little congestion with a cough. As with any problem I know have to decide what my options are and how to attack this invisible menace. Back in the day I found that Oxycontin was very good at dealing with the common cold. Just take a couple and all your symptoms seem to go away. There’s really no time table on when to take more, I liked to go by my favorite physician’s orders of “take as necessary”.

Now that is no longer an option. Since I’ve been sober I found something that worked great was the Zicam Gel Swab. This basically consists of a q-tip in a tube filled with the gel Zicam and you wet the q-tip and then shove it up your nose. You rub it around in there and then after taking it out hold your nostril closed, and then repeat with the other nostril. This product was great on two fronts. First off it actually did a noticeable job in fighting a cold, and secondly it was great for a former cocaine addict because it had been so long since I shoved a drug up my nose. This time I’m actually putting something up there that’s good for me, how fantastic. I can’t wait till they come out with Zicam snort-able powder, that will be good shit.

Then something very bad happened a couple months ago. The makers of Zicam took the gel swabs off the market because of complaints that people who used them had lost their sense of smell. This is something that never happened to me, but I didn’t use them all the time. I imagine that these people that it happened too, must have been going through about 20 gel swabs a day. So typical of our country where a few nut jobs have to ruin the party for all of us.

Back to the present and I’m sitting here with still a half full box of the Zicam Gel Swabs, which I add are fairly expensive as a box costs like $15 bucks. I know that the Zicam will make me feel better, but its a recalled product. Do I dare be a rebel and use it anyway? That’s when it hit me of how ridiculous this all is. Here I am Mr. former heavy cocaine user and half gallon of bourbon a day drinker, worried about the possible ill effects of using a cold remedy. Its not the first time either, its like people lose their minds over these types of warnings, and don’t pay any mind to warnings about things that are a million times more serious. “Don’t smoke cigarettes, their proven to cause cancer”. Ah fuck that, by the time I’m old enough to get lung cancer their gonna have a cure for it. “Don’t use tanning beds, their also proven to cause cancer”. Whatever, just the risk I have to take to look this dam good. “Don’t drink or smoke while pregnant can cause horrible horrible things to happen to your baby”. All right, so I don’t have any experience in this one, but I know ladies cheat on it a little bit.

The same sort of thing also happened to me right around the same time as the Zicam recall, my Hydroxycut got recalled for causing damage to your liver. Hydroxycut was a workout/weight loss product that helped you to cut weight and burn more calories. I had been taking it for about 3 months, and I did notice that it was having an effect. Of course I went with the Hydroxycut Hardcore, cause if there’s a hardcore version of anything that’s the one that I’m going with no doubt. Then I found out about the liver damage, I immediately stopped taking it. This from the same guy who drank booze like it was going out of style all day every day, like that didn’t cause liver damage or something. I checked into rehab for the first time at age 26 and the doctor told me that I had the worst liver he’d ever seen on a 26 year old. I kinda took that as a badge of honor type compliment.

Now here’s Hydroxycut doing the same thing, and I instantly on hearing the news stop taking it. My roommate at the time, FEED STORE, says to me that he doesn’t give a fuck and he wants it. So I gave it to him and he said he’d throw me some cash that Friday when he got payed. Now I realize that I never got that money. FEED STORE has since moved out, but he’s still in town and doing well, in fact he came over yesterday. I am going to get that dam cash someday.

Its just crazy how certain warnings freak us out while those others we could care less about. Something as simple as wearing your seat belt which saves countless lives each and every year, I’d say isn’t done by about 50% of my friends. Yet tell people that a frozen dinner got recalled due to salmonella, and everyone is scared of it like its got the plague. Human beings are such crazy people. Fuck it, I’m taking the Zicam too, I’ve got balls of steel. EXTREME!!!!!!!!

First off let me start off by wishing everyone a Happy 4th of July, that means you loyal reader as well as you jealous cockblocking hater. Every 4th of July this issue comes up, does anyone know that fireworks are illegal in Palm Beach Country. Yup, our unAmerican lawmakers have banned our right to celebrate in the most patriotic of fashion by making things go boom.

If there’s something more American than blowing stuff up, I have yet to find it. Yet our wise bueracrats here decided that in order to protect us from ourselves and our drunken trailer trash neighbors, the only legal fireworks are things such as sparklers. Even your common bottle rocket is banned.

You might ask than why do I see countless firework stands when I drive down the road? If you happen to go into any of those stands, I like the big tent on Northlake ironically in the Blood Bank parking lot, you will notice that after you purchase your glorious items they make you sign a piece of paper.

That piece of paper your signing is a waiver. What it says is that you are intending to use the fireworks for one of the “legal” purpose. These “legal” purposes include using them to scare birds from crops, quarry stone, or as a railroad signal. Now I’m sure that’s what all these people are using them for, a know I saw a huge group of birds circling my coconut crop this morning.

All the waiver does is make the store not responsible for the “illegal” acts that you fully intend to commit. They can claim ignorance. Its funny though that they need you to sign a waiver, while you can walk into any head shop and buy a 6 foot bong and its just assumed that its going to be for tobacco use.

If you are caught with your precious fireworks this year, it is considered a first degree misdemeanor and is punishable by up to a $1,000 fine and up to a year in jail. They have got to be kidding with that whole year in a jail thing, remember that Donte Stallworth only got 30 days for DUI manslaughter.

I doubt that a whole lot of people are going to be enforcing it. Palm Beach Country Sheriff’s Office spokesman Ed Davis kinda summed up their n9nchalant attitude towards it when he said ““One thing about fireworks, when they go off, so does the evidence.”

There are some communities though that are trying to crack down on it. Loxahatchee Groves for instance has vowed to enforce the law and has even allocated funds specifically target to weed out this dangerous criminal element from their town.

I say its all in good fun so just relax all you uptight lawmakers. Sure people get hurt with fireworks but they do with anything that’s fun. I think more people get hurt in boating accidents every year than fireworks accidents, so lets go ahead and ban boating too. Its also ridiculous to let these store owners operate their way around the law and then even think about cracking down on people for shooting off their fireworks. Its like leaving the drug dealers alone and making only possession a crime.

So I say blow things up all night, blow things up all weekend. If your not blowing things up yourself, go seek out some people that are. It would be unAmerican not to.