I usually hit the machines and then do some cardio. Sometimes I brave the StairMaster and let me tell you that sucker is brutal. That thing kicks my ass like no other. I do it at a good clip, but I can’t do more than 10 minutes on that dam thing. Even then for the last couple minutes I’m basically hanging on for dear life. The StairMaster at Planet Fitness is also situated right in the front corner, so my big fear as I hang on is that one day I’m going to take a tumble and go right through the big front glass window. That would be a bummer, cause I’d like totally have to find a new gym.

The StairMaster is merely occasional though, my cardio method of choice is the bike. I don’t ride those pussy ass old people recliner bikes either. I use the sit up, Lance Armstrong style bike. There’s only 3 of them at my Planet Fitness, I prefer the southern most one, after that its the one in the middle, the northern one I swear has a hitch in it. I usually do anywhere from 5-10 miles on that sucker, as of right now, at 10 or 12 resistance. The main thing though that seems to limit my time on the bike, is not that I get tired, its that I just get too fuckin bored sitting there and can’t take it anymore.

Of course I try and do things to alleviate the boredom. Of course I always have my phone and I Facebook, Twitter, and read articles on ESPN, but that can only get me so far. Sometimes I try and watch the TVs they got over us, but since there’s only 3 of the bikes I like there’s not much of a selection. The TV straight ahead is the FoxNews one. I don’t know if its God’s sense of humor or what, but I can not stand FoxNews. Fair and balanced, haha, who the fuck are those bastards kidding. As someone who went to school for Journalism, that channel is just like being slapped in the face with big black cock. If you don’t know what I’m talking about go out and get the great 2004 documentary by Robert Greenwald, “Outfoxed: Rupert Murdoch’s War on Journalism”.

The thing that works the best for me to fill the time, is picking up the phone and calling some people. Unfortunately, I tend to go to the gym mad early before I go to work, so the choice of people I can call is extremely limited. When I do talk to someone, I find that its fantastic for my workout. It takes my mind completely off the fact that I’m riding the bike, and time plus distance fly by without  me even knowing it.

This past week though an interesting turn of events occurred that has potentially scared me off from ever picking up that phone while on the bike again.

It all begins with one day while totally killing it on the bike, I decided to pick up the phone and call my ex, we’ll call her LITTLE MIS CAN’T BE WRONG. Its quite ironic that while being inspired to ride like Lance Armstrong, I would exhibit behavior that required such balls. Its as if God had taken the one nut he was missing and transferred it to me.

So backed by the power of having 1 and a half set of balls, I picked up the phone. We proceeded to have a very civil and fun conversation. I then started talking to her about a current situation I has having with a girl. Don’t ask me why but I think I honestly just wanted her advice. Then the conversation took a turn South when she asked me, “What are you doing, why are you breathing so hard”. I don’t know why, but I simply replied “Nothing, just hanging out on my patio”. You might ask now why I didn’t just tell her I was on the bike at the gym, and that I can not answer. Ever since I stopped lying about big things, I catch myself just lying about small things for no reason like its some sort of balancing act.

It was then that the accusations started flying out of her mouth. She proceeded to accuse me of having sex with this new girl and deciding to call her. Now I think I’m a pretty normal person who tends to get his rocks off the old fashioned way, but know here is a person that knows me perhaps better than anyone on the planet, accusing me of being a sick demented fuck. Like I’m going to be banging a girl and decide that it would be really hot to pick up the phone and call my ex. We could then have a normal conversation while I’m slamming it into some other hot piece of ass, who of course would go along with this willing. Am I wrong, or that would take a pretty demented fuck.

She hung up on me. Then I thought about the situation and you know what, that might actually be pretty hot. Maybe this is a whole new level of sexual experience that I’m missing out on.

The most disturbing part of this whole thing is that the very next day, I was once again on the bike at the gym and I decided to pick up the phone and call my grandmother. We had a great conversation and then she asked me “What are you doing, why are you breathing so hard”. I almost lost it, I couldn’t help but think, does my grandmother know think that I’m banging some girl and decided to pick up the phone and call her. Wow, now that would be a sick demented fuck. It makes the whole calling your ex in the middle of sex thing seem like family programming. Then I thought, you are a sick fuck for even thinking about this. Its just a natural jump though for my brain, I can’t control the correlations it makes no matter how much I’d like to try.

Since then I’ve kinda stopped the whole calling people on the bike thing. If I do attempt it again, the first words out of my mouth before hello are going to be “I’m at the gym riding the bike!!”. Although maybe I shouldn’t make those the first words, early on maybe. If that’s the first thing I yell out, then it obviously is going to sound like a lie.

What I’d really like is for people to call me that want to talk and already know where I’m at. So I’m going to throw an update on Facebook as soon as I get on the bike, consider that an open invitation to call me for the next 30-45 minutes. Anything you need, sports, stock advice, sexual advice, or just wanna vent, go ahead and call me. It it’ll do us both some good. It’ll take my mind off what I’m doing, and you get access to my expertise and wealth of knowledge. So go ahead world, I’m listening.