The campus at the University of Florida used to have a little bit of a bat problem. The little fuckers were everywhere, especially at the athletic facilites, during the late 1980′s. One time while at James G. Pressley Stadium at Percy Beard Track for a track meet, then Governor Bob Martinez famously complained about the smell of bat guano. It was due to this problem that the Bathouse was constructed, with money from the University Athletic Association, in 1991. Its goal was to provide the perfect type of structure to convince the bats that it was the best place to be. It was sort of a hedonism resort for bats. The Bathouse became home to over 200,000 Mexican free-tailed bats.

The Bathouse also contributed to the local economy, as all the pounds and pounds of bat guano that fell to the floor was donated to organic gardeners to use as fertilizer. The Bathouse really contributed nothing but good to everyone. That’s why what happened on Sunday was so sad.

One of perhaps the most tremendous experiences of my life was the first time I went to see the Bathouse. I had heard about beforehand but had never been out there before. I was sitting around with some friends doing acid when my buddy, WAKEBOARD BEARD, turned and said “It’s getting close to dusk, we should go see the bats.” This would become one of my favorite lines, and I’m definetly going to work it into a screenplay before my time here is done.

For those that don’t know, every night the bats leave the Bathouse to go out and feed on the insects around Lake Alice for the night. They all leave at the same time, its really quite a mesmerizing experience. It takes about 10-15 min for all of them to leave and its just a mess of fluttering flying little hell demons, its fantastic.

The first time you see it is just really incredible. I had such a great time, that I made it my goal to spread the joy of the experience to anyone that had never had it. Every year I’d find some new students and I’d provide the acid and the life changing experience. Its really the closest to nature that you can possibly feel. Especially if their a novice tripper, the look on their face when you turn and say “I think it’s time to go see the bats”, is just priceless. I’ve had people afterwards get down on their hands and knees and thank me for the experience.

That’s one of the things that makes it so ironic that the collapse happened on Sunday. Sunday was also move-in day for all the new students. I feel sad for those students and hope that the plans to reinvigorate the Bathouse come to fruition. They say that its going to take about $10,000 dollars to repair the existing one, and $60,000 dollars to construct a new one which they were already thinking about doing before the collapse.

These numbers seem like nothing, and I don’t really see anyway the University does not get right on. After all we pay Urban Meyer $4 million a year to coach the football team. I’m not saying he doesn’t earn every penny of that, but the money for the Bathouse should be no problem.

It should be mighty interesting the next few days in Gainesville as well, as now these 200,000 bats are searching for a new home. I implore anyone that spots a bat, to just leave it alone. If you leave them alone, they usually leave you alone. My dad was not so lucky as a child. One time while cleaning out the chimney where he lived in Cedartown, GA. A bat swooped down and bit him, right on the big toe. He jumped around with that bat latched right on his big toe and it wouldn’t let go. Eventually they got the bat off, but my dad then had to go and get rabies shots. If you’ve never had rabies shot, I can assure you that their something you want to avoid.

To UF officials, I must say get off your asses and get the dam Bathouse fixed. All those new students are missing out on one of the most important experiences of being a Florida Gator. I’d really like to try and raise the money myself. Imagine if I got it together and they named it after me. The Frank Fitton Bathouse, oh my god.