I came to a startling discovery about myself, that I think I’ve actually been aware of for quite sometime. Every single action that I take, whether good or bad, is somehow an attempt to get laid. Now I realized that I can’t control my mind a long time ago. It races constantly. It assesses the pros and cons of every situation that I come into contact with on a daily basis.

A lot of this are instant seconds of contemplation while others may drag out a little longer. Either way I’ve realized that I have hopes of getting laid by every action that I do. I think that every action we take affects thousands and thousands of other possible actions in the minutest of ways. Most of them no one could even fathom thinking of. Such as, you put in a dollar at the Starbucks tip jar, then the hot chick barista ends up leaving that dollar in her tip later that night at Denny’s where the old hag of a waitress buys her hot 19 year old daughter some lip gloss with the money. Later that week the daughter checks in to rehab and then ends up at a meeting when she has 30 days sober and is blowing you behind Oasis with that very same lip gloss on. This is of course an extreme example, but I believe that things go full circle a lot more than we realize.

Yesterday, I felt that I was doing a good deed. I was on my way to the gym when I noticed our token gay guy out front waiting for the bus.

At my halfway house it seems like we have a gay quota that we have to fill. There’s always one flamer. As soon as we got rid of the last one, they went out and brought one in. I swear it was like the very next day. Like their sitting on the shelf at the store or something.

Anyway, I’m leaving to go to the gym and I see him waiting on the bus. Immediately my mind starts going through its pro and con list. I roll down the window and yell to him that I’ll give him a ride. I’m not sure at what time the thought popped into my head. It almost seemed like it was while I was in mid sentence of offering the ride, I can’t really determine which happened first. Still I did think, now hot chicks love gay guys. Then my good deed for the little diva is going to filter back through the hot chick network, and their gonna just think I’m so great that they want to sleep with me right away. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have done the good deed anyway, but the thoughts still go through my head.

After he pranced off to work, I was at the gym riding the bike just thinking about all the different things I do that have this elaborate plan of how their going to get me laid. Its staggering.

I have a Free Tibet sticker on my car for instance, not because I care about the stupid dam Tibetans, but because I think hot chicks will see what a great guy I am caring about a cause. I actually read up on the cause a little so I could be prepared if a girl ever quizzed me on it. As I was looking into the cause, I actually thought I was starting to care about Tibet. I can’t really be sure though, cause sometimes when your so good at being full of shit, you can even fool yourself.

The crazy part is, the things that actually do end up getting me laid turn out to be the things I didn’t think of at all. One time in Gainesville, I found out that I ended up getting laid just because I was wearing the most comfortable looking fleece at the time. I was out drinking with a bunch of people at the Swamp and a cold front had just come through that night. The temperature ended up dropping about 20 degrees in just a few hours. Being the amateur meteorologist that I am, I knew about the impending dip in temperatures and dressed accordingly. As the night ended some girl came up and asked to borrow my fleece because it was cold. She ended up going back to my house with me, and the rest was mediocre magic.

Later we became friends and she told me how that night she was just cold and looked around for whoever had the warmest looking coat on. The crazy part is I remember specifically that night that I put on these crazy pink argyle socks thinking how cool they were and showed that I was senstive, and that was going to get me laid. I didn’t even think about the dam fleece at all. It just goes to show how little I understand women.

I’ve also realized that when I have a girlfriend this all changes. I’m a pretty good guy deep down, and when I have a girlfriend I’m not out trying to get laid by anyone else. I’m not saying that I’ve been been 100% faithful, but it was never planned, I just sorta fell into it. So when I have a girlfriend, I can actually do good deeds just out of pure altruism. Thats gonna be pretty sweet. Now in recovery they tell you not to get into a new relationship in the first year. Right now I got about 6 months sober, so I’m still in that period. They also tell you however to help others. Its a double edged sword for me, because I can’t do both. The only way I can do good, just for the sake of doing good, is to be in a relationship. Without that, everything I do is to try and get laid. Its quite the situation to be in.