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At UF We Hate Coming in 2nd Jul 29

UF beerbongThe stuffed shirts up at The Princeton Review released their rankings of the top party schools recently, and my University of Florida came in second. God, I hate coming in 2nd in anything. The #1 school according to these rankings is Penn State University. Florida was #1 last year, so that means either we partied less or those dam Nittany Lions partied harder this year. Florida administrators are happy about it of course, but I think I can speak for all of our alumni when I say Fuck That.

I don’t understand how we could possibly lose out to the people at Penn St. What the fuck is there to do in Happy Valley, I guess they can just sit around and drink all day, but that’s not really a “party” in my mind. When I think Penn St. I think blue blazers and getting hand jobs from your prude girlfriend. Certainly not the way we roll up in Gainesville.

I don’t want to sound like an old man or anything either, but they partied much harder in Gainesville during my day. I was actually there for the beginning of the curbing of the rocking era.When I first got there, a 2 am closing law was unheard of. That law was passed in about my 3rd year up there, and it was pretty much totally aimed at shutting down this awesome rave club Simon’s. Anyone up there during that time, or living anywhere else in the state knows about Simon’s. That place was usually going until about 9 or 10am. Its main problem was a geographical one. Simon’s was located downtown basically right across the street from the courthouse. That meant that when all those lame ass government people were heading in to work at 9 am, people would be stumbling out of Simon’s with that lovely perpetual smile.

The guy that owned Simon’s rocked too, he was this crazy Russian guy named of course Simon. I remember when they were playing around with the 2 am closing role at the city commission meetings he would always be there. These meetings were on local TV up there, and I would watch just to hear what Simon had to say. When they passed the law, he picked up a chair and threw it at the head commissioner, it was awesome. He then opened up Soulhouse, but it wasn’t anywhere near the debauchery level of Simon’s.

Another initiative they pulled while I was up there was banning halftime re-entry at football games. This was a tremendous policy they had, it meant that at halftime you could leave and then re-enter the stadium. Anyone that’s been up to that little slice of heaven in north-central Florida for a Saturday service, knows that right across the stadium are a whole bunch of bars. So at halftime everyone would run across the street to The Purple Porpoise (now sadly defunct and the much less rocking Gator City), The Swamp, or The Grog House and you would get there and they’d already have shots lined up and waiting. You’d down a bunch of shots in succession and then run right back to the stadium without missing a thing. I think that law was pushed through by the local liquor store and Ziploc bag lobby, which is strong, as it just meant that know you had to sneak a whole lot more booze into the game.

Losing to those prissy Penn St. boys is just not acceptable. I’m tempted to just scrape this whole being sober thing and enroll in grad school so that I can make it my mission to return us to our deserved place at #1. It might be taking the idea of Gator Nation a little to far, but I am tempted. At the very least I can implore the people up there to man up and crank it up a notch this year. When you feel like just drinking beer, make it a Jager-Bomb instead. When you feel like just having sex with one freshman girl, make it a threesome. When you feel like rolling to class stoned, suck it up and eat some mushrooms. Show a little school pride.

You can see the top 20 on the Princeton Review’s tainted list here